Humans-
This is Brandy the cat coming at you. Recently, it has come to my attention that some of you consider me to be a little boorish and at times, well, outright evil. So I thought I’d take the time to dispel a few rumors.
Rumor One: Brandy is Evil
No, I’m not evil. I’m downright fluffy if you’ll permit me to scratch my own back. I could win one of those cat contests you people have. I mean sure, I’ve thrown up in my fair share of cereal bowls and watched as my "master" has gorged himself on regurgitated meow mix. But honestly- which one of you can say that you haven’t done this yourself at one point or another? Rob- I’m e-looking in your direction.
Rumor Two: Brandy is the President of the NRA
This is preposterous. I’m only the secretary of the Mud County Wisconsin chapter. And I was elected. That’s right- I didn’t murder anyone with a splintered human femur bone. I mean, that’s just ridiculous. I have a right to bear arms. It’s in the constitution for Pete’s sake. Plus, I sleep a little safer at night knowing that glimmering, shiny, hypnotic weapon is at my beck and call should I be accosted in twilight by communist scoundrels.
Rumor Three: Brandy Murdered her family in cold blood.
Scoundrels? Twilight? Communists? Hello! I think this accusation clears itself up.
Rumor Four: Brandy is bent on World Domination
Look, if pining after a few measly things out of life is a crime, well then lock me up. I just want a dish full of food, a clean bowl of water, and to enslave all of humanity- Is that sooo much to ask?
Rumor Five: Brandy Hates You
NO. Brandy loves you. Brandy thinks you’re swell. Brandy would never turn you into the police if she found, oh say, a stockpile of dead world leaders you’d accumulated over the past several years stuffed haphazardly into your closet. She’d never turn you in because she knows that friends don’t rat on friends- AND If they did, well, it would be completely justified for the wronged friend to tie that ratcocksucker to the atom bomb she was planning on dropping in the middle of New York on Christmas Eve next year and laugh, yes, laugh as they were atomized in a second along with all the other pathetic scumbags who have the nerve to inhabit the planet which undeniably belongs to me.
All the best,
Brandy the Cat
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