The Velvet Penguin

     This is an honest question.  Ninjas have long fascinated just about everyone.  Oh, sure, occasionally you will find some asshole who says they don’t like ninjas or ninjas are stupid.  But let’s face it people, after you losers say this stuff you turn right around and rent some Michael Dudikoff movie and you LOVE IT!!!

     The fact of the matter is, the reason ninjas are so well respected is they are the only people in this day and age who are capable of getting shiznit dizun.  Just the other day I was walking down the street when all of a sudden I was surrounded by like 22 Guatemalan mercenaries who were looking for some kicks.  Well, I can assure you that is exactly what each and every one of them received when a band of just six ninjas showed up to teach them a little lesson called "respect."  Those Guatemalan bitches also got lessons in living motherfucking dissection.

Here’s how it went down:

     I was walking with several of the orphans that I am a big brother for at the local Y.  I had just bought an ice-cream cone for each of them (it was the first time any of them had ever tasted ice cream) when, all of a sudden, a mercenary came out of nowhere and took little Fransisco’s rum butter-nut-ripple.  Naturally I wasn’t going to stand for this and I said "hey mister, If you don’t relinquish that cone you are going to be getting plenty of ice-cream where I’m sending you:  hell."  Naturally the bastard didn’t comprende, so I was forced to teach him a lesson in front of the orphans- hey, I know what you’re thinking but it’s nothing most of them haven’t seen already when their drunk father would come home and beat their drunk pregnant mother- of course this is before they were abandoned!

     Anyways, let’s just say this bendejo had a couple of Friends and the orphans and I were quickly outnumbered.  I tried throwing the mercenaries an orphan as a sort of piece offering, but the orphan was quickly disposed of.  Those mercenaries weren’t after orphans that day.  They were after cream.  Of the iced variety.

     It looked pretty bleak for me and the orphans when all of a sudden a shuriken came out of no where and sliced clear through one of the approaching offenders.  After that it was a fucking bloodbath.  Ninjas came out of every corner of that ice-cream parlor and there was slicing and dicing a plenty.  One mercenary met a particularly cruel fate as a ninja blade was jammed through his crotch and the tip of the blade was thrust into an electrical outlet.  That guy looked like a fried plantain when it was all over.  Before I knew what was going on, the ninjas were gone and the mercenaries had been turned into a chunky helado which all the orphans enjoyed thoroughly.

     The moral of this story is simple.  You fuck with a ninja and you are bound to get a katana blade to the skull.  I may never know who those brave ninjas were but I am sure of this:  Ninjas are awesome.

     Still don’t believe me?  Check out this website.  It is hilarious.

http://www.realultimatepower.net/                                                                                    

                                                                                              -A

      Why do they always change the stories when making a comic book/tv movie?  It doesn’t make any sense to me. 

     I mean, first of all Hollywood, you are always being nailed for not having compelling stories.  Well all those comic book readers aren’t reading comic books for the fancy paper it’s printed on.  You are always looking for the next “franchise” movie- well if you stuck to the story lines in the comic books you could hook people for sequels that were endless both financially as well as artistically. AND THE CHANGES!  Why would you oh say, change Bebop and Rocksteady in the original ninja turtles cartoon into Tokka and Razar for the TMNT2 movie?  Oh it’s so much easier to make snapping turtle and dog costumes instead of rhino and warthog costumes…  I mean, I remember, as a kid, being crushed when I had to settle for those crappy impostors.  More recently, X-Men 3.  What was going on there?  Killing off all the x-men?  Making Wolverine into a crying little pussy?  I mean you Hollywood suits spend all your time plundering old already well respected and well made movies, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and making crappy remakes- why not plunder story-lines from people who are asking you to do it!?!

     And don’t pretend for a second that you don’t prey on people’s knowledge of the comic book stories to get them into the movie seats.  You show a trailer for X-Men 3 which shows just enough for a comic book fan to get excited and go:  “oh man!  they’re gonna do the Phoenix saga.”  But then, when we get there, it’s not the phoenix saga, it’s not even X-Men.  It’s some shitty soap opera written by some loser.

    Also, Hollywood, you want an excuse to show gratuitous T&A, right?  Well comic books are a freaking gold mine!  Not only that, why do you insist on changing the look of everything?  If the character costumes needed “an update” as you assert continuously then they would do it in the comic book.  And don’t pretend for one second that the movie character saying glibly something like “what?  would you rather yellow tights” is making up for it.  It’s a totally shitty cop-out for a little bitch costume designer who wasn’t good enough to make the costume work.  I got one word for you.  Superman.  He still wears the same costume and it works.  Why?  Because you get the right man to fill it.

    Which brings me to my next gripe.  Why do you insist on casting inappropriate celebrities to fill roles?  Anna Paquin as Rogue?  Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider?  Fucking Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane?  Let me see if I got this straight.  Superman, who has been gone for five years, returns to find Lois with another guy and a baby?  Kate Bosworth was like 15 five years ago first of all, and she had a kid?  Lois Lane must have one fantastic Hollywood personal trainer to get her to look like that after having a baby at 15.  Margot Kidder wasn’t hot, it’s true, but at least she looked like a woman who had been through the investigative journalist ringer, not a woman who just got out of a fucking Maxim shoot.  Oh and did I mention this 15 year old is also supposed to have won a Pulitzer?  Fucking ridiculous!

     So listen up Topher Grace.  If you haven’t gained at least 100 pounds of muscle and grew at least seven inches taller before Spiderman 3 comes out you better not even think of getting into that Venom costume because you will be an embarrassment to yourself and everyone you know. 

                                                                                                                  -A

      I saw two movies this weekend and was disappointed (surprise!) twice.  Granted, I know I shouldn’t of been too expectant that these flicks were going to be anything but terrible but, nevertheless, I am telling you to avoid these pieces of crap:  Click starring Adam Sandler and The Omen starring some shitty B-actors.

    The Adam Sandler movie clued me in to a very important trend that seems to be happening in Hollywood.  Although, I imagine this is nothing new… 

    Have you noticed how comedy stars basically follow the same path which is ALWAYS their undoing?  It is just a fact of life that no one takes the clown seriously and, as a result, the clown feels compelled to move their career into the realm of the dramatic.  In the end, comedians realize what crummy actors they really are and that without comedy they are totally useless on screen.  Unfortunately for us, we all learn this the hard way.  If any future celeb comedians are reading this please try to adhere to the following rules so that you save your career and all of us 10-14 bucks.

Rule # 1:  PRELIMINARY THOUGHTS.  That character you play on Saturday Night Live?  He’s not going to be funny for an hour and a half.  He usually isn’t funny for the 5 minutes he is on the screen despite Lorne Michaels telling you otherwise (at this point in time Lorne views one more viewer watching as a successful sketch worthy of another incarnation).

Rule #2:  DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MOVIE/PLAY THE SAME CHARACTER TWICE.  Avoid the Christopher Walken, Adam Sandler, and Chris Farley pitfall.  This rule specifically refers to stars who read a script and thought "hey this is really funny, I can do this" without realizing they had already played that character or plot in a completely differently titled movie.  For example:  While Tommy Boy was funny, it’s second incarnation, Black Sheep, was not.  Making this mistake will only lead you to think you are not viewed as a real actor, you are a one trick pony, when the movie is panned by everyone including VH1.

Rule #3:  DO NOT DO A ROMANTIC COMEDY!  I like to think of this as the "gates" rule.  This has been the inevitable bridge for so many comedians into the abyss of crap.  Doing a romantic comedy is utterly dangerous because, at the end of the movie, a "real" relationship is solidified and people stupidly believe something important has happened.  Comedians fail to realize that nothing important has happened except Hollywood has duped yet another gaggle of middle-aged housewives, teenage girls, and their pitiful boyfriends who were trying to be "sensitive" into paying for this crap.  Comedians, instead, decide that because they can make this kind of meaningful movie, they can move on to more "serious" projects.

Rule #4:  DON’T PLAY COMEDY ALONGSIDE A SEASONED DRAMATIC IDOL.  Too often young, green comedians, due to their newfound popularity, are able to snag their idols for second and third movies.  What happens here is two-fold.  First, the comedian thinks because he is working alongside Robert DeNiro he has made it to Robert DeNiro’s level of acting.  But remember- dramatic acting IS NOT learned through osmosis AND Robert DeNiro, like most dramatic actors, suck monkey balls when it comes to comedy.  If you can keep from getting star-struck, you will realize that they comically blow.  Second, and this is always death, when the dramatic actor compliments your acting, they are complimenting your ability to make yourself look like a total jackass, not because you are dramatically superior.  These dramatic actors have to spend all their time acting a certain "cool" way and it gets tiring.  So, when they see a young kid being a moron it reminds them of a time they used to live in and often the compliment comes from a place of nostalgia and jealousy.  Also this might be their vain attempt to prove to the world that they are still young and unpredictable.  Well, news flash, it’s predictable!  Don’t fall for their compliments!

Rule #5:  NEVER DO A MOVIE THAT YOU THINK IS OSCAR WORTHY.  The Oscars are a hoax,okay.  It doesn’t prove you are a good actor.  It proves you are popular enough amongst the Hollywood snobbery to be given a televised pat on the back.  The sheer fact is, is that all you need to do to win an Oscar is to:  If you’re a boy, play a handicapped person- If you’re a girl, play a girl who is really unattractive.  I mean, pretty soon every Oscar movie is going to be filled with unattractive handicapped women…  Comedians, the minute you do an "Oscar worthy" movie it’s like a shark smelling blood.  You will go into a frenzy from which you will never return, relentlessly pursuing a dream that will NEVER materialize.

     In the end what happens if you don’t follow ALL of these rules?  Ask Chevy Chase who was just the voice of the dog in the Family Channel movie Karate Dog.  The freaking dog!  Or ask Bill Murray who is still sitting in his seat at the Kodak Theater waiting to hear his name called for Best Actor.  Bill, buddy, you are an amazing comedian, come back to us.  Broken Flowers was the same freaking movie as Lost in Translation!  You’re breaking like 3 rules at once!   

     I think the most important thing I can say is this.  Comedy is not easy.  It’s hard.  It’s a lot harder than drama.  So stop thinking drama is better just because you don’t get a little golden piece of crap and your dick sucked by a bunch of phonies who don’t even like you.  You have been given the incredible gift to make people laugh- In this shitty world ANYONE can make someone feel miserable about life, but you, your priceless antics make life worth living. 

     ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY CLOWN!!!!

                                                                                                                 -A

Humans-

  It’s me Brandy.  I have decided to share an old family recipe with you.  Congratulations. 

Ingredients

One human (alive preferably)  Plump and flavorful

3 cups celery

2 cups carrots

1 tsp tarragon

3 ripe tomatoes

15lbs of lime- salt (to taste)

A Bathtub full of cold water

A sprinkle of cumin powder

     Start by luring your human into the kitchen with a treat.  I find most will respond to cookies:  oreos, chips ahoy, even mallomars if this is all you can find- humans aren’t usually picky about their sweets.  If you do have a human that isn’t interested in sweets they are probably all skin and bones and most likely new-age hippies.  For these types of humans see my Sunday Drum-Circle Souffle. 

     Once you’ve acquired your human subdue them with any sort of death ray you may have lying around the house.  You know, people say to me all the time "Brandy, I have a rolling pin.  Can’t I just beat my humans head in until they’re dead?"  No!  I can not stress this enough!  If you want your human to taste just right and avoid unnecessary bruising you must use a death ray.

     Now, after your human has been appropriately dealt with, immediately submerge them into the bathtub full of cold water.  Rub the body liberally with the lime-salt.  This will help lock in humans’ natural flavors.  While you are waiting for your human to soak in the lime-salt combine the vegetables in a bowl along with the tarragon and cumin.  If you are feeling spicy you can add a dash of cayenne pepper in as well.

     Once this is done it’s time to start the slicing.  Make sure the knife is extra sharp so, as I have said, we can avoid bruising.  Slit open the human lengthwise and remove the stomach, liver, and lungs.  Leave the heart in there.  Only through eating the succulent heart and juicy brain can you expect to absorb human powers.  Fill the cavity with the vegetable medley and bake the entire thing in a furnace preheated to 2000 degrees.  Let bake for about 1 hour.  The smell of roasting human hair is natural so don’t be alarmed.

    Serve on American flag plates with a mint julep for that summer flare that will have the neighbors raving.

                                                                             -Bon appetit!

Dear Uncle Pennybags-

    I’m not going to lie:  I think I hate you.  It’s not because you are rich and I am not.  Although, I will admit, I am a little jealous.  I mean who wouldn’t want to be rich?  I’ll tell you, the real reason I hate you is because you are so damn entitled. 

     I first noticed this last week when we were out for a night on the town and we had to wait five minutes in the Silver Car for the valet to finish parking Lindsay Lohan’s Silver Car outside of Adam Sandler’s hot new club, Silver Car.  I have never seen anyone throw such a temper tantrum in my life.  The phrase "do you know who I am?" must of been uttered at least five times to that poor valet.  I again noticed it the other day when we were at that fundraiser for your electric company when you started complaining about how everyday people like yourself have it so difficult.  The last straw was last night when you told your railroad workers that they would have to work on Christmas because you would be as well.

    That’s when I thought to myself "Who cares who he is?,  How does he have it so difficult?"  and "When was the last time he actually worked?" 

     I’m just going to say it Uncle Pennybags.  You are one entitled son of a bitch.

     You think just because you are rich you can do whatever you want and people should just follow suit and, if things don’t go your way, you can complain until you land on community chest and take something you don’t even need.  Well, for once, take a chance card and go down to the railroads you own and see what goes on around there.  Say "thank you" to that thimble  who apparently "owes" you something because you’re so rich- you know the one- the one who you claim to understand but probably would never speak to if your assistant didn’t have the nerve to take a vacation once every six years.  Stop complaining about the price of gas for your Silver Car when you are the ONLY PERSON in the country who can afford it. Better yet, use some of your riches acquired from Boardwalk rent and figure out a way for the common man you claim to be in touch with to pay for his gas!

    Uncle Pennybags, you haven’t worked a day in your life since 1934.  It’s time to stop pretending you know what it’s like to go without owning all four railroads.  This is the real world and you don’t get 200 bucks for passing GO.  There are real people who have gone to jail over and over again just hoping to make it to Park Place who don’t have that precious Get Out Of Jail Free card.

     I wish I could take solace in the fact that, ultimately, you and your money will die alone, without a friend in the world.  But unfortunately, I can’t.  You’re a cheap, self-important bastard, Uncle Pennybags.  So either shape up, or pray that someone you stepped on to get where you are doesn’t get their hands on Marvin Gardens and give you a taste of your own, insensitively rich, medicine.      

                                                                                              -A

   I had just risen from my self-prescribed NyQuil induced coma when I realized that broad I had given my last 7 bucks to wasn’t coming back with that bag of Cheetos I had asked her to get me.  "Well, what are you gonna do?"  I thought to myself as I searched through a pile of laundry for a shirt which my boss might deem clean.  I decided on my 1980 Permanent Waves Rush t-shirt because it only had one piece of pizza stuck to it and it reminded me of Geddy Lee’s radical vocals on The Spirit of Radio.  Man that concert rocked.  If you haven’t seen Rush live, I totally recommend it.

    After retrieving the stolen 7 bucks from my Mom’s purse I headed off to Fezio’s.  I know, I know.  I’m supposed to be going to work.  The thing is, though, the thing Mr.  Kramonovic fails to understand, is I am a rocker.  I was born to rock and every morning is a rebirth.  People think being the lead singer of Crucifixion is really easy.  Like I just get up and sing and then have sex with prostitutes.  Well I do more than just sing and I don’t know any prostitutes.  I don’t even have a girlfriend.  I’m a virgin and I am saving myself for marriage.  No. I’m not a loser.  I could have a woman anytime I want.  Who are you to sit there and judge me, huh?  How many women have you had lately?  That’s right.  That’s what I thought. 

     Anyways, Fezio was working on a new sound for Crucifixion and since he was the only one in the band who could play an instrument I figured I would see how he was doing because it’s my job to, you know, inspire the troops or whatever.  Also, I had just written some killer lyrics for our new song "Jesus is the Lord of Dope" yesterday and I wanted to see if Fezio had come up with something  as  equally fly.  Oh, did I mention Crucifixion is a Christian rock band?  It is.