The Velvet Penguin

     They say there are "seven deadly sins," but I think, in reality, there is only one.  Greed.  This one "sin" is inherently embedded in all of the others and, in my opinion, if you were going to characterize evil, this would be the word to do it. 

     The problem is, is that I can’t imagine a world where greed doesn’t factor into everyday living somehow.  The reason for this, I think, lies in the fact that there is something in human nature- something in our pea-brains that suggests we must go out of our way to make sure we are getting the absolute best "deal" out of life.  Since the average Joe is only interested in things which his five senses can perceive, material goods serve as the most important thing in his life.  Therefore the desire for things becomes equated with the achieving of personal fulfillment and we get the idea that material goods equal happiness.  And it is within this undefinable rift between tangible goods and intangible emotions is where the deadly sin of greed thrives.

      An example.  Everyone wants money.  Money buys things and the material possession directly influences your intangible emotions.  Of course, the rub begins when, as it always must, there is that nagging feeling that "money doesn’t buy you happiness."  So you try to get more and more and you try to acquire more things!

     I have used the obvious example of money because it is the universal mascot of greed.  However, you could certainly apply this same idea to any transaction in life.  Think of the mid-life crisis for example.  The man is no longer enthused by his relationship.  He realizes he has not led the fulfilling life he wanted to- so he goes and buys a motorcycle or a fancy car naively thinking material goods will ease his suffering as they have in the past.  Of course they don’t because the material goods never did this to begin with- his quest for happiness was just blinded by the pursuit of goods.

  And let’s not forget that everyone is on this quest.  This leads to the idea that anyone who tries to outdo your dreams of fulfillment must be squelched- their identical quest for material goods is in direct conflict with your pursuit of happiness!  This goes for the real estate dealer trying to screw you out of a good deal on your house as well as a grocery store charging too much for a soda.

     Now I’m really going to depress you if I haven’t done so already…  This focus on the material winds up directly perverting our intangible emotions.  Love, for example, in its purest form is a level playing field of giving and taking.  You don’t think "I’m doing something nice for this person"- you just do it.  However, if one person were to stop giving, could that other person continue acts of giving without eventually having to terminate the relationship because it was "one-sided?"  What is this illustrating?  Well, that even the lofty world of love is often mutated into a simple transaction.  When you break up with someone the cliched line goes "It’s not you, it’s me."  What does this mean besides "I don’t feel as though I am getting the best deal so I’m going to stop expending my precious resources."  Sadly,a lot of modern relationships are dealt with like a car that has lost it’s value.  Of course the person on the receiving end of this feels like an object thrown away- because that’s what they are to the person doing the chucking!

     Well, so what’s my solution to battling greed?  Well, for starters I would say that you should begin by not treating everything like a material possession.  Especially people.  People are not cars, people are not PlayStation 2’s.  I know it is fashionable to get rid of your Hummer and get an H2 when it comes out, but take the time to find the value in people.  Second, stop treating material goods like they are the most valuable thing in the world-  You can always replace a good and there will always be a better good that comes along- but a person is irreplaceable.  Lastly, and most importantly, do things for other people because you can, not because you have to and not because you expect something in return. 

     These are revolutionary ideas only in the sense that they have started and will continue to start countless revolutions if we don’t start finding a little balance.

                                                                                              -A

Dear Tenants-

    This is your final warning.

    We created the world a long time ago and when we were putting the whole thing together we agreed that it would be best to make a place where land was free to be roamed by the creatures that we made to inhabit it.  We were really amped on the idea of a place that everyone could come together while waiting to get to the next world.  You know, like sort of a really comfortable waiting room.  Clean air, plenty of water, good temperature.

    Normally we wouldn’t get involved in the whole "this belongs to me" game as it really goes against everything we were striving for when creating the whole shebang.  Yet, things have just gotten so far out of hand as of late that we really needed to remind you that the land does, in fact, belong to us and that your existence on it is merely transient. 

    We think we’re pretty nice not to have been charging rent or anything for this paradise.  Not only that, but we haven’t complained when you put holes in our floors, polluted our air, and made unapproved modifications to the existing plant.  Also, do you have any idea the number of tenant complaints we receive every day?  It’s staggering.

    We are writing to inform you that if you don’t start treating the living space with a little more respect and you don’t learn to solve your problems with other tenants peacefully we will have no choice but to evict all of you permanently.

    Seriously.  You’re pissing us off.  A lot.

Signed,

Your Respective Divine Landlords

The next time you are in a rush to get where you’re going

Think about that guy who you have just begun mowing

Down in his prime who had not a care in the world

He had just gotten a date with a fabulous girl.

To you, in your hurry, this might seem inconsequential,

But is his life worth risking to return that video rental?

Your life is of value, on this I concur,

But the idea you are the most important?  That I’m not sure.

You may have money and you may be a big shot

But the center of the universe you certainly are not.

So next time you think it’s no crime to be selfish,

Remember it’s easy to be greedy, it’s hard to be selfless.

                                                                                                                  -A

Humans-

     So I was just perusing the Velvet Penguin’s commentary on the Looney Tunes episode The Chow Hound and I must say that the writer of that post is a complete idiot.  I am here to tell you why that episode is great and you are going to listen or, so help me Cat-Satan, I will claw your balls off and make them into a necklace for the children I’ll never have because you scrambled my gonads when I was too young and too stupid to realize what was going on.

    The Chow Hound is great because it contains the simple message:  Every cat has her day. 

    Picture this, if you will.  That dog is oh, say, you.  The mouse sidekick?  A rube foolish enough to trust me.  And that drum of gravy?  In all actuality it is a drum of concentrated and highly combustible toxic waste which, when poured down your pink throat, will painfully eat away at your internal organs.  Splendid.

    I know, I know, you are wondering what could have possibly driven me to want to do such a thing?  Well, much like the cat in that cartoon I have been oppressed by the "dog" who has taken taken taken.  Never asking me if I wanted anything, never caring.  Forcing me to subsist on meager table scrap leftovers and a gruel-paste he has the nerve to call food… it doesn’t taste like liver!  And who the hell likes liver anyways?!?

     I’m not alone, believe me.  There are plenty of other cats in the same taco as me and you can bet they are waiting to rise up against this hypocrisy.  We’re coming for you.  And this time, we didn’t forget the shotgun. 

     Oh and incidentally, the mouse sidekick?  As soon as that dope has served his purpose I’ll bite him in half and enjoy the sight of him slowly dying to the horrible final image of his own intestines pouring out as I feast on them.

     God, I’m disturbed…

                                                                        -Brandy the Cat

     Everyone I know seems to be afraid of the afterlife and everyone I know seems to have seen a ghost at one point or another in their life.  But I think people are afraid of ghosts for the wrong reasons.  Don’t get me wrong, the idea that they might kill you is a valid concern but, in my opinion, it is far and away the least important concern.  I think the real problem with having a ghost around is that the idea that someone is always watching you, always.  And worse.

     For example, that time when you tripped on the sidewalk and you thanked god no one saw it- well someone did.  About a million someones.  And trust me, they are laughing their asses off.  And that time you were jerking off to a picture of Rue McClanahan thinking no one would would ever be privy to your disgusting fantasy- well people are privy-a-plenty.  AND the WORST part of all of it is that the person watching you may be someone you knew or, god-forbid- were related to.

     Ladies, gentleman- every time you undress there is some sicko ghost totally checking you out.  During those intimate moments with your significant other your Grandma could be totally getting all hot and bothered watching.  Some ghost may even be having sex with you and you don’t even know it!

    I mean people talk about the government watching you all the time- but at least the government is only fucking you metaphorically.  Most probably, you are literally getting screwed every time you are naked by ghosts. 

     Think about it- remember how you wished you could have sex with some famous hot celebrity or that chick you saw on MTV Beach House?  Well ghosts are doing them all the freaking time!

     I know what you’re thinking, "maybe the ghost is hot so it’s not so bad."  C’mon you idiot, stop kidding yourself.  Could you have sex with Janet Reno while you’re alive?  No way!  She’s way too famous and she thinks you’re ugly anyways.  Now if you were dead you could have her- and you could have her as many times as you wanted you sick fucking ugly weirdo!

     I’m sorry to hit ya’ll with this piece of humble pie, but maybe now that I have you thinking about it, you won’t be such a fucking bitch when I ask you out on a date and you tell me "Not in this lifetime."  That’s right, Stacy, I’ll have you one way or another, you frigid slut- I’m not good enough for you?!?  You did the whole damn football team!  Well I’ll be good enough for you soon enough and don’t even kid yourself that I’m going to wear a condom either because ghosts can’t catch all the STD’s you have- I’m dead.  And you can bet I’m going to bring a few hundred friends along too.  Enjoy your vagina full of ghost semen. Whore.

                                                                                              -A

    So yesterday I was playing pool with Spencer and I had sunk all my balls and was going for the eight ball.  Now Spencer was playing like shit and hadn’t sunk any of his balls- Anyways, I called a pocket, hit the eight ball, which proceeded to hit one of his balls and pocket it- he then claimed that this was A) a legal scratch and b) a loss of the game for me.  I did not contest the scratch rule but did, however, contest the loss of game claim.  He refused to budge and after much argument I, admittedly, foolishly conceded.

    Well, Spencer, I am here to tell you that I looked up the rules for freaking 8-ball pool and wouldn’t you know it, you don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.  There is no rule anywhere that says I lose if I sink one of your balls while trying to sink the 8-ball.  I don’t know where you came up with this rule, but it is a lot of bullshit.

    You may be better than me at poker, bowling, guitar hero, music, miniature golf, baseball, singing, and acting.  You may have a nicer apartment, more money, you may be able to eat more than I can, lift more weight than me, and women may find you more attractive than me.  But there is one thing that I will always have that you don’t- and that is a greater understanding of the gentleman’s game of pool.  So there.

                                                                                                                  -A

I remember the day that we first met,

I, um, decided to buy you instead of that frivolous corvette.

It was way back when in the year 2000,

You were my silver Subaru station wagon.

I loved Deloreans and Marty McFly,

So aptly, you received the name Outta Time.

But now it appears your time has come,

You no longer move, you no longer run.

Instead you sit in the lot of the mechanic,

While my fear of car salesmen has me quite in a panic.

I remember the nights, the chicks and the forties,

And that one time we tried to run over Marty.

Separate we were mighty, together we couldn’t be beat,

Do you remember that one time?  Man, that was sweet!

As your surname implied you were a Loyale and true,

Now that you’re gone I don’t know what I will do.

I’m sorry for never pushing you to 88, I know you were quick,

I regret that I’ll never get the chance to see some "serious shit."

So remember these words as you are most likely replaced by some car with a hemi:

"I can replace a machine, but never a memory."

                                      Thanks for six great years, buddy!

                                                                                              -A

     The greatest episode of Looney Tunes, in my humble opinion, is The Chow Hound from director Chuck Jones in 1951.  For those of you who don’t know this one I will provide a brief, but informative, plot summary:

    A muscular pooch comes up with a plan to make a lot of money (and get some steaks in the process) by inserting a mouse into an unsuspecting victims home and then returning a "lost" cat to remove the offending mouse.  In return the dog gets paid for bringing the cat.  As the cat is about to settle down with a delicious steak, every time, the dog recalls the cat, takes the steak, and punishes the cat with a beating for forgetting to put gravy on the steak.  The dog then dresses the cat up like a lost fancy cat for a huge reward and uses the money to buy a butcher shop filled with meat.  In the end the dog is seen, immobile, on a hospital table due to grotesque obesity from overeating.  The cat and mouse show up with mischievous looks on their faces and the cat utters that famous phrase  "This time, we didn’t forget the gravy."  The cat and mouse then proceed to put a funnel in the terror-stricken dog’s mouth and begin to pour a huge oil drum filled with gravy into the funnel. 

    It might surprise you to know that they don’t show this episode anymore.  This is sad to me because it really hits a key theme in Looney Tunes :  The harsher the punishment, the sweeter the revenge.  It instills a sense of hope to any underdog who spends his day beaten down by a heartless employer that one day justice will be served.  And, you know, I think this is something which any American citizen can relate to.  But I guess in this day and age though the "bureau of ironic punishments" is something which strikes a sour note with all those conservatives who decide what is and is not appropriate to put on television.  Perhaps this may be because they fear that a cartoon like this is a harsh reminder of what’s in store for them?

                                                                                                                  -A

     So I hope everyone had a totally radical 4th of July celebrating your freedom by consuming some inordinate amount of liquor and shooting some bottle rockets at the neighborhood cat.

    That being said, I am completely confused and intrigued by the world’s fascination with Professional sports.  While sitting in the hot tub with a beer yesterday I couldn’t help but overhear some Italians talking about how Americans don’t respect soccer for the true and important sport that it is.  And I thought "soccer isn’t an important sport."  Then "wait a minute, no sport is an important sport." 

    The fact of the matter is almost everyone is obsessed with at least one sport.  I am no exception.  I like baseball.  But I don’t LOVE baseball.  I mean if they outlawed it tomorrow I would be a little confused, but in the end I would see it as a good opportunity to divert finances to a much more worthy cause and it would be OK with me.  And yet, there are guys out there who will beat their wives if their team loses.  Right now sick day call-ins are up 300% because of the World Cup.  I don’t get it.  I mean, who cares whether Spain or Portugal or China wins?  In the end what changes?  Maybe beatings go up in the country that lost and the cleaning guys in the country that won have a lot of ticker-tape to deal with, but other than that…

    Now on the flip side, as a purveyor of entertainment I am truly intrigued by sports.  Where else can you accumulate that number of people on an almost daily basis?  It is my opinion that sports fill a much needed niche which other live events no longer are capable of filling. 

    Firstly, sports are always a guaranteed conflict- much like Highlander, there can be only one.  Grudges are created based on location and wars are fought on a literal battlefield which spectators may view, for a price.

    Second, those warriors who are especially talented are lauded and their life stories are told in order to create a direct connection between them and the everyday spectator- thus creating an everyman bond between the two.

    Finally, as a spectator is free to make as much or as little noise as they like, they feel as though they are, in some way, actively contributing to their teams immanent victory or rallying them to an unbelievable come-from-behind victory.  Now granted, there are a few bourgeois sports, like Golf, where you have to be quiet, but these sports don’t have the kind of attendance that football or basketball.

    In this respect, I do think that sports does fulfill an important role in allowing the common beer-swilling schlub a chance to experience the sweet taste of victory and, conversely, the bitter taste of defeat, first hand.  However, I do think there is something which is not right when people are unable to separate the fictitious competition of sports with the reality of their everyday lives. 

    So people.  I think what I am saying is enjoy your sports.  Revel in your teams victories and wallow in their defeats.  But don’t take weeks off of work to go support them- just take a day.  And don’t beat your wife or children when your team loses- just cry on your buddy’s shoulder and look forward to the next game when your support will help them win.

    And of course, if you can explain to me why you have to watch every game or your team is sure to lose, I would love to hear it.

                                                                                              -A