The Velvet Penguin

Hollywood, CA

     Local elderly couple, Randi Golden and JJ Mehren, 35 and 33, respectively, were reportedly outraged upon viewing a recent ad for MTV’s upcoming annual video-music awards. 

     Established in 1984, MTV has annually held this event which publicly showcases and honors those artists who have provided the network with music videos which are popular amongst MTV viewers.  "It’s become a real tradition around here," says recent MTV VJ (video jockey) Scot Carlisle. 

     But Golden and Mehren are singing a different tune.  Pun intended.  "I grew up watching MTV.  I was there when it first started and it was really shitty," rants Mehren. "I can say it has come a long way since those days when it was a couple of punks with flock of seagulls haircuts broadcasting out of a closet.  The fine producers at Viacom fought hard to get away from those primitive times when we needed the music video and I for one don’t like being reminded of those dark days."

       MTV, which is best known for it’s hit shows The Real World, Pimp My Ride, Next, Laguna Beach, Newlyweds, Road Rules, My Super Sweet Sixteen, Jackass, Nick Cannon Presents Wild n’ Out, ET on MTV, Cribs, Two-A-Days, MADE, The Hills, Juvie, Making the Band, Date My Mom, Tiara World, 8th and Ocean, The Ashlee Simpson Show, Diary, Punk’d, The Osbornes, Room Raiders, Run’s House, True Life, and Viva la Bam, stands behind it’s decision to air the annual video celebration.  "We here at MTV feel it is our duty to let you know which four videos we played this year are worthy of being considered cream of the crop," says Carlisle.  "Music is what MTV is all about."

      "They have got a lot of nerve fishing for ratings this way," says Golden.  "You would think in this informed age we could rely on the intelligent producers at MTV to keep music out of the programming and restricted to the twelve minute commercial breaks where it belongs."

Topeka, KS

     In one of his usual outings to TGI Friday’s for family night local six year old Topeka resident, John Morris, was reported as having eaten "More than a six year old should."

     "It began like any other night," said John’s Grandmother, Avalon Hernandez.  "He said he could eat an entire plate of mozzarella sticks and we all laughed.  John (Sr.) joked little J-Mo’s eyes were bigger than his stomach."  But Morris Sr. was wrong.  As it turned out, little "J-Mo’s" eyes were in fact, much larger than his stomach and, after consuming the plate of 6 mozzarella sticks (with marinara sauce), Morris Jr. went on to consume dinner and dessert.

     "If only I hadn’t congratulated him on eating all those mozzarella sticks," said Hernandez.  "Now he’s a hideous freak."

     Morris Jr.  reportedly ate an entire cheeseburger platter with spicy curly fries, had two refills of chocolate milk, and a topped it off with a piece of blueberry pie (with strawberry ice-cream).   "He just started and didn’t let up," claims TGI Friday’s waitress, Alisha Zalkin.  "I thought it would end after that last spicy curly fry, but the little guy started licking the ketchup off the plate.  It was horrible."

     "I expect to see this kind of grotesquery at the carnival when it comes into town," remarked local TGI Friday’s patron, Yancy Holmes.  "But this kid must’ve gained five pounds in one sitting.  And his family just sat there encouraging him.  It’s sick."

      A week after this embarrassing outing Hernandez has stated "I now know that parents should stay out of raising their children.  From now on I will rely on television to teach my six year old boy what is and is not socially acceptable when it comes to physical appearance and behavior."

    Boulder County District Attorney and now famous Prosecutor of the recently exonerated John Mark Karr, Mary Lacy, fell under heavy critique this morning from Tabloid papers all over the world.  Lacy admitted to believing that it was possible Karr was responsible for the slaying of young beauty Queen, JonBenet Ramsey, over ten years ago.  Now, with news that Karr is, in fact, innocent, the Tabloids are biting back and this malicious and slanderous offense towards the American people.

     "When you come out in public and say that you think it may be possible that someone could have possibly murdered a high-profile citizen like JonBenet, you’d better have some proof to back it up," said Enquirer writer Efrain Schunior.  "When you report to the American public you gotta think- you have a responsibility.  When I landed the story about Big Foot having a gay love affair with aliens from Ka-Quar 4 you can sure as hell bet I made sure my drunken sources were reliable."

     Though Lacy claims that she was moving under pressure from the Thailand government as well as acting under DNA evidence as impetus for the suspect’s hasty arrest, Globe correspondent, Peter Newman, is unmoved.  "The idea that she (Lacy) would insinuate that Karr was a possible suspect is blowing things completely out of proportion.  Suspect?  Suspect is journalist language for "guilty" in America," exclaimed Newman.  "How dare she play on the fears of the idiotic public,"  Newman added.

     If this barrage of ill-willed comments from journalists wasn’t enough, Lacy has also claimed she has received e-mails in which people are requesting she be "tarred and feathered" for her error.  For Boulder Colorado resident, Amanda Glaze, this doesn’t seem like punishment strict enough.  "C’mon, the audacity of this bitch.  She has the nerve to go out and arrest someone who is suspected of several other crimes, like child pornography and abuse, and who claimed he did it?  Who does this whore think she is?"  When informed that Lacy is, in fact, a Police Officer, Glaze responded eloquently "Oh."   

     Despite this onslaught of anger from the public Lacy says she will continue to track down evidence leading to the eventual capture of the one responsible for JonBenet’s death.  Both Schunior and Newman are disgusted.  "This Lacy woman needs to get out of the fact business," said Schunior.  "Wait a minute- her name is Lacy?  That must mean Laci Peterson is alive and well and hot on the trail of JonBenet’s killer," said Newman.  "Hey, I’ll be breaking this story, you lying parasite," added Schunior as he hustled off to print.

So, I am sure many (4) of you have noticed that a lot of my posts are pretty negative. Well, in an effort to show you it’s not all rainclouds and vampire bats to me, I am now going to share with you something I love. Food and booze. And now, without further or do, I give you:

Dopest Places to Eat and Drink in Los Angeles!

Patsy D’Amore’s Pizza (Farmer’s Market, The Grove in LA): If you’re a New Yorker, like me, you have wasted countless hours driving to places your ignorant LA friends claimed had authentic New York style pizza. Well, let me tell you, this little hole in the wall pizza parlor is the real deal. It’s in one of those little rented box shops amongst a slew of the same, so atmosphere is not an option- but who cares?!?

Fatburger (10955 Kinross Ave, Westwood) Fatburger is arguably the best burger joint in LA even though it is a chain. The Double-King Burger is enough to make you want to vomit, even for the most robust appetites- but after you have you’ll want to eat another one! I have sampled several different Fatburger locales and have found this one to be the best- if you like your burger medium. If you want it well done, go to the Fatburger on Santa Monica in Hollywood.

Versaiiles (10319 Venice Blvd, LA) If you like shredded beef than this Cuban resturant is for you! The food is pretty cheap and it is really really amazing. their chicken is so tender it comes right off the bone.

The Smog Cutter (On the corner of Virgil and Normal, LA) This was voted the #2 dive bar in all of LA when I first went to this cheapo Karaoke bar run by some crazy Thai women. The first time I went there Keifer Sutherland was there by himself drinking some crappy concotion. If you like terrible Karaoke and 3 dollar beers go here. It is not as rowdy as it used to be, but you still have to make sure Sunshine doesn’t short-change you when she gives you your change.

The Electric Lotus (4656 Franklin Ave) This is an amazing Indian food resturant. The food is deleicious and it’s not too pricey. If you don’t like house music or you aren’t prepared to wait a while I would stay away from this place though. However, I do think it’s worth the wait!

Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles (1514 North Gower Street, Hollywood) I know what you’re thinking. I said the same thing to Spencer when he asked me if I wanted to go- “Chicken and waffles? That sounds disgusting.” Well it’s not. My mother and Aunt went there with scowls on their faces and within 20 minutes they were taking pictures of themselves with the waitress while wearing recently purchased matching Roscoe’s t-shirts. I’m not making this up. This place is so good you’ll want to eat there every day, but so artery cloggingly rich you can only eat there once in a while.

Mongols (1064 Gayley Ave, Westwood) Another chain, but a damn good one. If you like Mongolian BBQ chock full of MSG than this is the place to go. Food is served buffet style and there is no shortage of it. It can be super-spicy for those of you with iron stomachs, or mild for those of you who are pussies (like me).

The Powerhouse (Corner of Hollywood and Highland, Hollywood) You would think that with all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood they would have gotten rid of this shithole bar long ago. But no, it’s still around and as cheap as ever. You can drink cheap beer, play a pretty extensive classic rock jukebox or play electric darts- all while gazing into the creepy, yet comforting, eyes of a velvet clown painting.

If you ask me (which I know you haven’t) the performing arts is for the birds. It’s nothing but trite entertainment which caters only to the lesiure clases. It has no real value other than to make people forget that the world is full of problems they don’t want to deal with or to make them feel better about themsleves because they think they are doing something “important” by participating in a “socially conscious community dialogue.” That’s a lot of bullshit. Socially conscious community dialogues don’t cost 12-750 dollars to participate in. Go down to the local bus depot and talk to the old guy who can’t get a job because he has been replaced by computer technology and the guy next to him who is in his twenties and is on unemployment for the same reason. I know I have a lot of friends who are in this business, and I apoligize if I offend you, but the fact is the performing arts (in which I include music, dance, sports, theater, film) are rife with overpayed performers and useless events, for the most part.
FILM/TV: Film/TV are great mediums because they allow an international audience experience them. The idea that Tom Cruise makes 20 million dollars a film is utterly preposterous. The idea that you make 3000 dollars for being in a commercial is also preposterous. 3000 dollars for a half day of “work”? Maybe a doctor who saves peoples’ lives on a daily basis deserves this kind of dough- but some kid in a verizon wireless commercial? Fuck no! Get a real job kid. And let’s not forget that the average ticket price for a movie is $11.75 (sans the 12 dollar popcorn/drink combo)- most American’s don’t make that in an hour of work.
MUSIC: What better way to experience community than through a live concert in which everyone is joined together by the poignancy of the artist’s music? And yet… Barbara Streisand is doing concerts now for tickets at 750 dollars a pop- one show grosses 37,500,000 dollars- fucking ridiculous! And this is, of course, not including the “convenience” charge the ticketmaster monopoly tags onto the 750 dollar ticket. This money could be used to enable over 700 poverty-striken families to live comfortably for an entire year.
DANCE: Wow! A way to understand community through movement- I’d want to see that. Yet, you know why no one goes to the ballet? Because no one could afford it when Louis XIV was dancing and no one can afford it now. Except cultured people who can “appreciate” fine art.
THEATER: Ok, let’s say I buy the idea that a story about kids who can’t pay their rent so they sing about it is a story which may have the power to influence people into being kinder to each other. Well, despite that, I think they should change the song Rent: We’re not goona pay” to “Rent: You can’t afford to pay.” Again, the idea that I have to pay 100 bucks or more to be entertained or enlightened makes me want to puke. In Japan Butoh group Dai Rakuda Kan (in it’s genesis years, mind you) went to the streets and performed the newly created social dance theater aptly stating that theater is community therefore it should be performed in the community.
SPORTS: A false sense of comradery created through vicarious living is great. If this inspires you to achieve beyond your means all the better. But paying someone millions of dollars because they are good at putting a ball in a hoop? There are people who are really good at slam dunking orphaned children into deserving homes- last time I checked they don’t make anywhere near a million bucks.

I am not saying the performing arts should be done away with entirely now- at their core they are a highly necessary part of life. I’m just saying I vote we all go back to a purer time in which it was understood that entertainers are not more valuable than those who are helping others survive and those who are fighting to better our world directly. The performing arts is a unique way in which humans can engage in social dialogues which can, in turn, lead to an ultimate bettering of society- but the idea that you pay the average Registered Nurse 1/400th a year what Tom Cruise makes for one movie seems a little skewed priority-wise to me.

Are you a performing artist and you disagree with me? Do you think you should recieve this kind of paycheck? Let me know! I’d love to hear your side of this story!

-A

     In response to the fictional threat proposed in last week’s number one box-office movie, Snakes on a Plane, the Office of Homeland Security issued a statement almost immediately that stated snakes of any kind will no longer be allowed on any domestic or international flights.  Bags and packages will now be thoroughly investigated with new high-tech "snakeometers" which are capable of detecting all cold-blooded killers from the tiny Texas Coral snake to the mammoth South American Anaconda. 

      This news comes "just in time" according to passenger Patrick Kovach-Long.  "I mean, snakes are cool and all, but you gotta draw the line somewhere and that Samuel L. Jackson movie really made me think.  I could be taking a whiz and a snake could crawl right up out of the toilet and bite my big boy.  Snakes are everywhere."  When asked whether or not he would be upset about this new law causing excessive fare hikes and extended waiting time at the airport Kovach-Long simply replied "Seriously ladies, I’m huge."

      While Kovach-Long is happy about this new rule, he seems to be in the minority.  Already passengers everywhere are complaining that they have had to wait inordinate amounts of time to get through the newly created "snakeometer" lines.  Passenger Shelley Geiszler, heading to Honduras for a life-saving heart-transplant was furious when she missed three separate flights due to suspected possession.  "This is fucking ridiculous," said Geiszler.  "They kept me waiting for nine and a half hours claiming I was smuggling a Bolivian Rattlesnake.  I had to endure four separate body cavity searches.  I mean, jesus christ, do these jokers actually think I’m going to hide a rattlesnake up my ass?  It’s god-damn poisonous." 

     "Rattlesnakes don’t even live in Bolivia," Geiszler added. 

     Despite the negative reaction, the Office of Homeland security says they won’t be letting up any time soon on the numerous security checks which are now required at the airport.  "Protecting the patriotic American citizen is our job," says long-time pencil pusher, Nathan Longdon.  "It may just look like a Coca-cola and a harmless garden-snake but, in the end, if you get your blood sucked dry by a pit viper seconds before you explode into a billion tiny pieces at 35,000 feet, that’s one Christmas which ain’t gonna be so merry.  If we can prevent even a single death from a Hog Island Boa or a Cambodian Water Snake, well then, I guess the endless amounts of money spent and the countless civilian hours wasted will have been worth it." 

      So I just read that they are banning all of these old Tom and Jerry, Scooby Doo, and Flinstones cartoons because they have scenes where a character is smoking.  I guess the argument is that a kid watching his "idol" cartoon character smoking will encourage him to do the same.  Now, does anyone else see how ridiculous this bullshit is?

     First of all, have you ever seen a cartoon you conservative pieces of shit?  Smoking is the least of your god-damn worries!  Most cartoons are rife with murder, decapitation, excessive violence, glorification of criminal activity, explosions, and foul language.  Shouldn’t you be more worried that your child is going to become morbidly obese due to an excessive need for pizza?  Aren’t you worried that your precious might try and poke you in the ass so you go screaming face-first into an ironing board which you promptly deep throat?  Or what about the horrible possibility that your baby might cut a hole in the roof of your brand new Jaguar so the brontosaurus can get his head out when you all go to the drive-in movie?  It’s called imagination you fucking idiots.  You don’t see children jumping left and right into the ocean to go live with Spongebob, do you?  Give your kids a little credit and assume they aren’t complete morons.

    Second, stopping a few measly cartoons isn’t going to change the fact that every show on MTV, VH1, Comedy Central, the WB, and Fox is still going to contain smoking.  Turn on the damn news and your bound to see somebody smoking a cigarette.  I just watched some of the Teen Choice Awards last Sunday and in the span of ten minutes Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson told everyone to have sex about 10 times while reefer toking Snoop Dog partied with several bikini clad women giggling in a hot tub.  Your kids are watching this shit!

    You want to know who is responsible for your child smoking?  It’s you and everyone around you dumbass.  You smoked when you were a teenager because all your friends did it and you hated your parents and it was the only rebellious idea your immature brain could come up with.  You didn’t learn it from watching a fucking Bugs Bunny cartoon and you didn’t do it because you wanted to be more like Jerry the mouse.  In fact, I believe it is safe to say that if anyone said they smoked because they saw Jerry the mouse do it they would promptly have the shit beat out of them by all their friends.

     I believe I can assuage your fears of your children smoking without getting rid of classic cartoons.  It’s radical, but it just may work.  I call it:  "Get off your ass and start doing some fucking parenting and stop leaving it to the idiot box."  In this radical new treatment you actually spend time with your children and explain to them the dangers of life instead of expecting Pikachu and Michaelangelo to do it for you.  You realize that the greatest role model children have is not the starfish who crushes himself under a giant rock every night, but you, the parent.  Your life experiences and all the mistakes you made when you were young can help inform your child and mold them into a responsible adult.  Sure, they may not trust you for a brief period in life because you represent unflinching authority, but they’ll come around if you have raised them to think carefully about their decisions and support them when they make the same mistakes you once did.

     It’s called taking responsibility.  You want so much for everyone else to do it.  So why don’t you try taking a little of your own medicine and see if it works?

                                                                                                                  -A

Humans, specifically Rob Grace-

   Now it has taken me awhile to get back to your little challenge, Rob.  I believe you put it: "put my money where my mouth is and go to www.kittenwars.com."

   Well I am here to tell you a few things, asshole.  First of all, you don’t put money in your mouth.  It is gross and god knows where it has been.  I know a certain human, who shall remain nameless, who once masturbated with a 20 dollar bill because he thought Andrew Jackson was sexy and fantasized that the President was giving him a blow job.  You, like every other moron on this planet, are probably still under the delusion that we cats are not a clean species.  Well, while you "higher life-forms" are out wrestling pigs and pissing on each other to achieve coitus, we cats are cleaning and preening ourselves.

     Second, I don’t have any money.  I’m a god-damned cat, dipshit.  What am I gonna do with money?  Go to the grocery store and buy a 100 Grand bar?  Rent an AMC Gremlin and go on holiday?  Go over to the video store and rent some sick porno where a monkey is fucking a goat while a giraffe tapes the whole thing and masturbates onto the boom operating ferret with an unnaturally large penis?  Where do you humans come up with this shit?  You’re fucking disgusting!   

     Last, and certainly not least, I don’t have to prove myself to you or any other beer-swilling closeted homosexual who thinks it’s cute to put a cat in a 70’s style police uniform, take a picture and label it "Pussy Patrol."  I have an idea- why don’t you get a freaking hobby and stop wasting your time searching the Internet for pictures of me you sick weirdo.  I know you have some sort of cat-fetish but I’m not coming anywhere near you or your deformed testicles.  And don’t try to pull off some story about how I don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’m a cat, god-dammit- I see everything.  I know everything. 

     Besides, I could beat Sharky or Grey Baby if I wanted to.  I…I just don’t feel like it.  So fuck off.

                                                                                                          -Brandy

     It is with deep regret that we must inform you of the following cartoon character’s deaths and the circumstances surrounding their untimely demises.

Mickey Mouse:  Ironically, died in a boating    

                     accident.

Donald Duck:  Heart attack due to extremely 

                    high blood pressure.

Dale:  Sadly, his trademark red nose was, in fact,

                      an inoperable tumor.  More dead than alive, he was usually         

                     stoned for the majority of his life to cope with the pain.  On a

                     side note, his partner Chip has had less success in his new comic

                      duo Chip n’ Kevin.

Superman:  Hoisted by his own petard when Lex Luthor

             finally got a clue and made a gun that shot kryptonite

              bullets.

Charlie Brown:  After falling into Lucy’s

                         football trap for the last time, hung himself

                        with Linus’s blanket by jumping off Schroeder’s

                        piano.  C’mon people- don’t tell me you  didn’t   

                       see this one coming…

Road Runner:  Cocaine overdose.

Garfield:  Heart failure after intense sexual

                       encounter with Kitty-cat prostitute last

                       Halloween.  Longtime side-kick, Odie, quoted as

                       saying "He was a malicious fat fuck and I’m glad

                      he’s dead."

Little Nemo:  Finally made it to Slumberland.

The Cheshire Cat:  Apparently, that smile was

                         caused by the Joker’s smilex gas.  He died the

                         way he lived.

Curious George:  The Man in the Yellow Hat now

                 knows a paper shredder is not something to keep in

                 a house with a mischievous monkey.

Dumbo:  A combination of the plague from

                     Timothy and Avian Flu from the magic feather.

The Simpson Family:  Let’s be honest, they died

                          about 8 seasons ago.

Santa Claus:  Yes, he was a cartoon character and,

                  regrettably, he’s dead.