The Velvet Penguin

      If any of you people know me, you know that I have always found the "Pie in the face" joke to be truly hilarious. 

    Now, I know what you are saying:  "That joke’s a stupid cliche."  You are right about this being a cliche.  However, behind this cliche is a truth which has been along as long as people have been on the earth.  That is:  No matter who you are, when a pie hits you in the face you have immediately been humbled. 

   Sure, you might say the banana peel slip or a simple trip does something similar but a pie to the face must be initiated by another person and therein lies it’s genius.  Whether it be a servant who hits another servant in the face or whether it be that same servant who hits his master in the face, either way a power shift between two people has occurred in the most immediate of ways.  The receiver of said coconut custard cream pie has been made aware of his or her inability to realize that they are not impervious to the influences of the people which surround them and that they must be held accountable for their thoughts and actions.  And there is nothing more satisfying than a fool realizing he’s a fool.

     If you think about great moments in comedy, they all will lead back to this same joke.  Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd did it constantly, only their Banana Cream Pie was a double barrel shotgun.  Indiana Jones and that scimitar wielding crazy person in Raiders of the Lost Arc- a man with great skill, thus great pomp, is immediately humbled by Indiana’s less classy pistol.  Or what about the guy who is reluctant to go in the water, yet somehow winds up being dragged behind a boat going at top speed on a single water-ski?  It’s all the same joke! 

    Now you might say that a kick to the crotch is a better version of this joke, but you’d be wrong.  The reason?  A pie to the face doesn’t discriminate between male and female.  A wealthy female dowager getting plugged with a pie is just as telling as some male gorilla from the slums.  A kick to the crotch can only focus on one gender thus can never reach the same level of truth that the pie can.

    So, I think it is time we started respecting the Pie to the face again because it is, in my opinion, a crystallization of everything that is funny.  It exposes the constant that no matter how important we think we are, any shmoe with a pie can put us in our place with one single splat.

                                                                                                                -VP

Humans-

     So I was reading the Christian Science Monitor the other day when I came across an article explaining that health care cost will soon be rising in America.  This note is directed towards the person or persons responsible for this turn of events.

     All I can say is "wow."  I mean I have long prided myself on the continuous physical and mental anguish I am capable of inflicting unsuspecting and innocent humans but you guys have just raised the bar considerably.  I mean, the kind of torture I dole out is temporary- the pain goes away after awhile.  But you guys.  You guys take psychological torture to realms my kitty brain has never even fathomed.  Bravissimo!

     Take the average middle class drones, for example.  Even if two married dolts are working full time jobs it is still nearly impossible for them to afford the co-payment and deductible fees the average American Health care system claims to "alleviate."  This is of course if their admirably stingy bosses are stupid enough to pay for the health care in the first place.  And forget if they have children or if, God willing, somebody is in a major accident- the current health care wouldn’t have even begun to cover that.  Not only that, but the plans themselves make it impossible to see the Physicians they want so people have to live with the constant reality that their plan will never afford them the best possible care.  Yet when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, that the evil train had gained a comfortable, unshakable, momentum, a genius comes up with the idea that says "Why stop at bad health care you can afford?  Why not make it bad health care you can’t afford?"      

     I mean, the idea of some elderly woman who’s meager social security checks have long since dried up, yet her bout with every medical illness hasn’t, has to now deal with the fact that she won’t be able to afford jack shit in the way of health care warms the cockles of my icy heart.  I mean I could scratch her or bite her, but you clever people have found a way to make her truly despise the suffering that is her worthless life.  That’s what it is, after all.  Worthless, right?  I know it, and you most certainly know it.  So I am glad you realized it was high time both she and the family that now sees her as an insurmountable financial burden sees it as well.  In one fell swoop you can cripple a whole family!  Now that is some malevolent shit!

     So I guess what I am trying to say to all you cold-hearted, money-grubbing, bloodsuckers who had the drive to financially and psychologically cripple the majority of these pathetic Americans is: Congratulations!  Satan is nefarious, I’m a downright villain, but Americans can still find ways to get around us.  But not you guys.  You stand in the way of every American’s prosperity in the most demonic of ways.  I wish I had a credit card because I would go on-line and order you a medal that says:

     Congratulations to those visionaries who can admit their own personal greed far outweighs their interest in the health and well-being of their neighbor.   

                                                                                                          -Brandy

To the sweet ass mystery girl of my dreams-

     I know you’re out there, girl.  I saw you yesterday while waiting for some non-dairy yogurt down at that new place in Westwood and the minute I saw you I swore to my AV buddies you would be mine.  Just thinking about your incredible looks and your mad style I can barely contain myself while writing this.

     When I first saw you with your entourage of girlfriends I could see you were the kind of girl that stands out in a crowd.  The way you talked so loudly into your cell phone so the ear of that lucky sonuvabitch on the other line could hear your dulcet tones over the incessant babble of your girlfriends on their cell phones made me take that second look without hesitating.  The way you carefully flipped your feathered, blond, highlighted, hair and checked your make-up about fourteen times in seven minutes made me know that you were the kind of woman who cares how she looks for her man.

     And girl, you know you had a kick-ass sense of style, too.  It was as if that white tank top, faux-distressed jean miniskirt, and UGG boot combination was made just for you.  Some girls may say that your skirt was too short or your tank-top a size too small or it doesn’t matter if you wear a push up bra because that’s just overkill when you have implants.  But not me.  I know that you spent at least an two and half hours in the morning deciding just how your choice of clothing might perfectly highlight your individual personality.  Mission accomplished, girl, because I am getting so hot just thinking about the way you had to borrow money from that guy standing next to you in line because your purse was just too small to fit anything but STYLE in it.  Damn.

     If that wasn’t enough, I could tell just by seeing you tell that homeless guy you didn’t have any money to give him when you were clearly holding the money that other guy just gave you that it made me appreciate the amazing actress you must want to become.  And the way you rolled your eyes at him was sooo funny!  It was like, at that moment, I could understand through your brilliant comedic timing how much of a pain in the ass homeless people are to importantly sexy people like you.  Seriously, girl, there are a lot of pretenders in this town, but you have got the wettest, juiciest, voluptuousist, smoking hottest, talent it takes to be the most successful actress in the history of the world.  I have got to tell you that your talent is more better than actresses like Jessica Biel and Jennifer Love Hewitt combined.  It is seriously off the chain.

     Girl, I just wanted to take this time to tell you that there has never been and there will never be, a girl like you in this world.  You have got to know that I think you are the most unique woman I have ever encountered in Los Angeles. Every girl in this town wishes they could be just like you but you and I both know that can’t happen because style as original as yours can’t be copied.  If any girl tried it would just be pathetic cause we all know that style sheep are losers.      

     As I write this I am hoping that we might meet again and I can profess my love for you in person.  Maybe it will be at Brew Co.  Maybe it will be at Maloney’s.  Where ever it is though, girl, you can be sure your totally uncopyable hotness will act as a homing beacon for my love.

                                                                                   I love you girl,

                                                                                          Ricky Webster, Jr.

Capitol Hill, Washington DC

     In the top story of the day, Democrats everywhere rejoiced yesterday at the announcement that Neil Patrick Harris had confirmed that he is, in fact, gay.  With elections coming up on Tuesday, Democrats see this turn of events as just the thing needed to tilt the polls in their favor.

     "This is a major victory for Democrats," says Rhode Island Senator, Klarissa Mesee.  "When we heard Lance Bass was out a few weeks ago it was a real omen that we might be able to take back the Hill.  Now this is really some good news.  I mean, the only way it could get any better is if Clay Aiken just admitted it already."

     This news isn’t just affecting the Democrat mentality either.  Republicans all over America are starting to rethink last minute campaign strategies.  "People think this kind of thing isn’t serious," says South Carolina Senator, Elijah Trichon.  "People hear this kind of news and they say: Oh c’mon, why is my time being wasted by some guy who thinks America cares about whether or not he’s gay?  Like some C-list celebrity who no one gave two shits about 20 years ago is going to make any difference by dispelling some "rumor" Entertainment Tonight made up because they couldn’t get a picture of Brangelina with their umpteenth rainbow baby is utterly preposterous to me.  Who gives a fuck?  Not me.’  To think that there are morons out there naive enough to think something like that is sickening.  Wake up an smell the gay coffee people, this shit is bound to have dire consequences in the American Legislative system" added Trichon.

     Overseas officials are feeling the impact of this announcement as well.  Virtually forgotten Iraqi despot, Saddam Hussein, when asked what he thought about Harris coming out of the closet said "I was shocked when I heard.  I mean I just got sentenced to hang for killing, like, a million people yesterday.  But my W.M.D.s are nothing compared to Doogie Howser M.G.D.- and I’m not talking about the beer, people.  This is the most important thing that has happened all week." 

     Only time will tell if Harris’ shocking revelation will have the kind of impact necessary to get people in America to vote democrat this Tuesday.  Democrats like Mesee are banking on it and Republicans like Trichon are dreading the possibility of it.  As for Saddam Hussein, he had only this to say: "Seriously, Tom, Brad, I’ve only got about a month here.  If you’re thinking about fessing up, now would be a good time.  Help me guys.  Allah’s OK, but at this point I have to start thinking practically.  Your admitted gayness may be the only thing that can melt the icy hearts of these fucking nouveau-capitalist infidels."