Dear American Public-
There has been a lot of talk in the media lately about “exotic” animals attacking people and I feel that these isolated incidents are giving myself as well as fellow pet owners a bad rap. People say that wild animals should be kept in the wild and that dedicated pet owners shouldn’t be allowed to keep such a pet. I think this is ridiculous.
I myself own a sweet, cuddly, Bolivian Mountain Lion named Elmer and you would not believe the looks and comments I have been receiving lately when I take Elmer out lately. I mean people act as if they’ve never seen a 196-pound cat on a leash before.
People have been complaining that because Elmer is a wild animal that means he is unpredictable. Well, I’m here to tell you dummies that I did my research. You have to before you bring a Mountain Lion into a third-floor studio apartment. Here’s a reality check for you negative-nancies. Mountain Lions never attack unprovoked. No animal does. The only reason a wild animal could POSSIBLY attack is if they are in mating season, they are hungry, they decide that they need a new place to live, they are afraid of you, they think you are afraid of them, they think you want to take away their mate or children, they are protecting their territory, they are thirsty, or they are sport hunting. But that’s it! It’s not rocket science people!
The fact is, people, that mountain lions, like all wild animals, if properly domesticated, are as harmless as a loaded gun with the safety on. How do I know this? Well, first of all, it’s because I have a bond with my Elmer that allows us to communicate telepathically. I know what he needs and in turn, he knows what I expect of him. This bond is common amongst pet owners. For example, haven’t you ever noticed that some Peruvian tree marmots instinctively growl or lunge at mailmen, while others don’t? Why do they do this, you might ask. It must be some instinctual thing that humans can’t possibly understand, you say? Well, you’re an idiot. The answer is as plain as the horn on the South African rhino that lives across the street’s face. A particular marmot who attacks a mailman does so because he knows that his owner is deathly afraid of cable television bills or flyers offering some sort of veiled pornographic services. His screeching and clawing is his way of telling the mailman: “Stop! We don’t need anymore advertisements for full body Swedish massages!” The owner doesn’t need to TELL the marmot this. Like a child who SENSES something is wrong when his mother comes downstairs with a black eye, these creatures take the next logical step and do their best to protect their loved ones. And some people want this sweet marmot to be put back into its natural habitat? If you ask me, this monkey should get a medal, that mailman deserved rabies, and that lazy, do-nothing, kid who just lets his mom get beaten should be thrown in the jungle!
The bottom line is, Elmer, like all exotic pets owned by people understand us better than any human ever could. I know. I have dated off and on for the past 42 years and every man I have met doesn’t give me one-tenth the respect I get from Elmer. Elmer is my (cat) knight in shining armor who will protect me from all the possible dangers that he believes I may be about to face from anybody, at any time, anywhere. He knows me better than I know myself, which is why I never question his decision to mercilessly attack my invisible enemies.
Let me ask you this. If your husband decided to kill your best friend and then told you he did so because he KNEW you were in danger, would you call him crazy? That’s what I thought.
Sincerely,
Shirley Broward
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