Dear Drew Barrymore-
This is your longtime fan, first-time writer, Brandy the Cat. I am writing because in checking the internet yesterday I realized there was no story about you. At first, I panicked. Then I got a hold of myself and said “Patience, Brandy, it will come. It always comes.” But imagine my surprise when yesterday became today and I had heard nothing. Nothing on Yahoo. Nothing on Google. Nothing on YouTube or OMG. I was so desperate I even watched The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson hoping you would pop up like a diamond in a big pile of crap. But no, nothing!
So, I have to know. Did we do something to offend you? I mean, usually you go right for the media when you have a new boyfriend, when you want to comment about some recent celebrity feud, or when you bought a new swimsuit and want to give us some dieting tips. To think that right now you are wearing some great new fashion or making some outrageous quip that you aren’t telling us about concerns me greatly.
Maybe you don’t know about me, but I’m pretty famous in my own way. I’m the cat that will enslave all of humanity. Well, enslave first. Possibly murder next. I haven’t decided yet. Now I have to say that not hearing from you has left me most distracted and unable to work on my killing and enslaving machines.
So please, if someone did or said something to upset you, tell me and I will take care of them. If someone told you that your cuteness routine is getting old and maybe you should just keep your trap shut for a change, let me know and bam, they’re gone! If you heard some horrible rumor that starring in a movie with Jimmy Fallon and being a Charlie’s Angel does not give you the right to claim suddenly you are a director now, I assure you, it is completely untrue!
Please, Drew, I swear to God if I get my next issue of People magazine and you aren’t on the cover giving me tips on how to be happy I am just going to lose it. Your daily commentary is the only think that fuels my murderous rage save for my stupid food supplier, his dummy girlfriend, and their mentally challenged roommate. I’m afraid that if I don’t hear from you soon I might do something drastic like start paying attention to what Jennifer Aniston is saying on a daily basis and, God, I just can’t stand her. I mean seriously, I get it. You’re well adjusted and you’re friends with Brad. I know!
We care about what you think and do, Drew. I care. Whatever that person said to make you think we don’t; don’t listen to them! If you can do this for me I promise that when my reign is upon you and I enslave humanity, there will be a special place just for you. No longer will you be forced to make classic films like Freddie Got Fingered and Never Been Kissed. No, you will live in a cage by my throne and give me updates on what you do and think whenever I desire. For all of the things you have done for me, it’s the least I can do for you.
Sincerely,
Brandy the Cat
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