A woman frantically searches for goods.
New Herald Tribune March 7, 2009 Article by Eric Aramis
Scientists report today that Americans no longer need fear the ongoing recession, unemployment, global warfare, rising healthcare, or the housing crisis. “This new discovery makes all those problems look like a day at the beach,” warned Dr. Vic Hartford.
In what they are claiming is a freak discovery, scientists learned over the weekend that apparently Americans could die at any time for any reason. “This is some scary shit,” said Hartford. “I mean you could just be walking down the street and, bam, it’s all over.”
News reports from all over America about this terrifying find have got Americans in an uproar. Local Walmarts and Targets are scrambling to keep shelves stocks with supplies in case of a sudden attack of death. A few despondent Americans, fearing the chance of dying at any point was too much to bear, have resorted to suicide,
“The country is afraid, and rightly so,” says Senator John McCain (R-Arizona), who blames the new administration for failing to address this problem sooner. “The White House needs to spend less time focusing on it’s ‘personal agendas (McCain emphasized his point by making those quotation mark signs with his fingers)’ and focus more on keeping people from dying all together. Americans deserve the piece of mind that their government is insuring that they will live forever.”
Meanwhile, the White House has assured the American people that it is doing everything in its power to find a way to stop people from dying. President Obama has already drafted a 385 billion-kajillion dollar plan which is expected to make its way into Congress next week. However, conservatives speculate it will fail quickly based on previous proposals from the new administration.
“This is exactly what happens when a liberal is in the white house,” says 14-year-old Republican superstar, Johnathan Krohn. “I’m sure it’s filled with unnecessary earmarks dedicated to private interests and puts the Government in charge of Americans’ lives. When are they going to learn that the American people don’t want the Government taking over their lives? The American government was founded with the sole purpose of taking over the lives of people in other countries,” said Krohn waving his hands about wildly.
No matter what happens in the future, it is clear that right now America panicking from the stranglehold of this seemingly unstoppable threat. “What have we ever done to anybody to deserve this?” asks local merchant, Kevin Porkman. “With this economy the way it is, I’m already only eating out twice a week now instead of four times. And now I have to worry about dying, too? Haven’t I suffered enough?”
Perhaps. But with no end in sight and the death toll from unpredicted deaths growing every day it’s clear that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Porkman’s sentiments? “I’ll bet the Chinese are behind this.”
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