The Velvet Penguin

Yo dude-

 

Seriously, what’s up?   I turned on the tube when I woke up at 3pm and you were totally on it and pissing all kinds of people off.  Look, I’m not looking to narc on your buzz, but man you got to chill out.  I’m all for the Egalitarian lifestyle, dude, don’t get me wrong.  I also dream of a world where there isn’t a man keeping me down or stealing my high.  A place where we can just chill, you know?  But you’re starting to talk crazy with all this “nuclear bomb” this and “merciless retaliation” that.

Listen man, I’m not telling you how to live your life or anything, this is a safe place.  Why don’t you just take a few deep breaths and come over to mi casa?  We’ll keep it casual, burn a few, and play some video games on my step-mom’s new hi-def.  I know you’re into the threats and violence and stuff (which is totally cool, I’m not judging bra) so we can play Grand Theft Auto IV on the PS3.  That’s right, a PS3 man.  I totally borrowed it from Terrence last month and the dude got arrested on Thursday for feeding brownies to a Kindergarten class.  Dude’s in jail for like, I don’t know, at least a year or something.

And you didn’t hear this from me, but Donna Hu was totally asking about you the other day.  We were hanging out at Doug’s pool while his parents are out of town and she was wearing that blue bikini and it was hot and, oh man, I was pitching a tent, big time.  Anyways, Donna was all like “So, what’s the deal with J?”  At first I thought she was talking about Jeremy Serkis, but then I remembered he’s Armenian and Donna only dates Korean dudes.  So, just to be sure, I said, “Oh, you mean the K-man?  He’s cool.”  And she was all like “Cool.”  Dude, you’re in!  How many times have you and I talked about tapping that?  And dude, her dad owns like a restaurant or something.  We could scarf some major proportions whenever we wanted.  For free!  

I know things are totally tense right now with all the U.N. sanctions and the border offensives and what not, but I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if you just took a vacay, got some of your aggression out on Terrence’s GTA, and made it with Donna. Things are getting way too heavy and you are getting a little too serious, bra.  I mean, it’s like you told me that one time:  Wavy Gravy always says “Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don’t have a sense of humor it just isn’t funny anymore.”  I think it was you who told me that.

I’m not trying to preach at you or nothing, but it’s like the second rule of the Juche says dude: “Policy must reflect the will and aspirations of the masses and employ them fully in revolution and construction.”  Well, last time I checked, the masses will was bent on playing some Dark Side of the Moon and aspiring to having it sync up with the Wizard of Oz perfectly.  And I know you know that’s some revolutionary shit.  After all, getting together and having an “il-in” time is what being a Communist is all about, isn’t it?

 

Call me on my cell, dude. 

 

Jimmy Kwan

Fish Creek, WI

 

Thomas Foster is a well-known hermit in Fish Creek.  He never reads a paper, he doesn’t own a television, and he is completely unfamiliar with the computer.  In fact, he only makes a public appearance in town for his morning cup of coffee.  “He just orders a cup a black,” says Roasters waitress Tracy Brewster.  “And he just sits there muttering to himself about this and that.  A real cheap tipper, too.  I never paid him no mind until now.”

83-year-old Foster, once labeled a coot and a malcontent, has suddenly become a celebrity in Fish Creek because he knows something.  Something you probably know about now, but he knew about all along.  This is because Foster has an uncanny knack for predicting that which has already happened. 

Labeled a modern-day Nostradamus, people are coming from far and wide to hear his daily updates on things which might have been avoided had people listened only to him in the first place.

After sitting with the man for just thirty-seconds, Foster’s gift becomes apparent.  “One thing I always been telling people,” says Foster,  “is you can’t trust the Government because they are going to screw you if you let ‘em.  You got to keep your money under your mattress or they sure as hell are gonna take it from you.” 

With the recent recession, job slump, and housing crisis, it’s hard to argue with this postdiction.

Perhaps this one tidbit might be a coincidence, you say?   Consider Foster’s next revelation:  “If I told ‘em once, I told ‘em a million times.  Sure the oil was cheap, but it was gonna go up.  It always does.” 

Sure enough, this past week has seen a rise in oil prices.  Truly chilling.

And what about international events?   After hearing about N. Korea and the rest of the world, Foster furrowed his brow and pensively exclaimed: “Awww, I knew it.  I just knew it.”

 

 

  If any of you know me, you know that I love Ghostbusters.  I LOVE IT!  I have seen the original movie over 100 times (I lost count at 116 times when I was a teenager).  I was actually given a copy of this movie (of which I still have) on instruction never to bring it back to said person’s house.  I remember exactly where I was when I first saw a preview for Ghostbusters 2.  I watched MTV religiously and waited to see the various incarnations of the Bobby Brown video to catch glimpses of Ghostbusters II before it entered the theaters.  I drew pictures of the Ghostbusters symbol in my notebooks for years.  Naturally, no one is more excited than I to see a new Ghostbusters film. 

 

However, no one is as skeptical as me either.  I have been let down by far too many new editions of classic films to be truly excited.  Terminator 3?  My God, that was depressing.  Star Wars Episode I?  Me and everyone else.  National Lampoon’s Vegas Vacation?  Sigh.  So, when I heard the fab-four would be replaced by a new crew, I immediately started to worry.

 

Hollywood is real fond of putting no talent flavors of the month into their dynasties and effectively ruining them forever.  So, Ramis and Aykroyd, if you’re reading, please consider the words of this die-hard fan.  Sure they’re cheaper, but skimping on non-established talent will cost you in the end.  I figure you guys are smart enough to keep a “Ghostbuster Nation” out of the film with a numerous amount of New Yorkers suddenly taking up the job as a nod to the solidarity of New York.  You already did that in Ghostbusters 2 and the Spiderman Franchise has beaten that horse to death.  So, it only makes sense that the original 4 will choose 4 similarly minded individuals who echo their greatness, yet bring a new sensibility and modernity to the table. 

 

  So, here are my thoughts about a new generation of Ghostbusters:

The Ray Stantz Replacement:  What made Ray great was that his was the pure one.  He is “the heart of the Ghostbusters.”  He had a serious lack of street smarts, which was paired beautifully with vast book smarts.  In many ways he was that straight A student in an Ivy League college who was the grade F student in dealing with the real world.  He was also as loyal as basset hound and was ready to lash out at anyone who threatened his friends.  That being said, Ray became a little too street smart in the second movie (which partially helped balance the Louis Tully character who took over the role of babe in the woods).  I personally thought this was a mistake as it caused Ray to lose a lot of his charm.  So, when thinking of a Ray replacement, I think the ability to play to the old Ray’s strengths is important.

 

1.  Jack Black:  Ok, I know you are already thinking about him.  He is a dangerous choice in that he is always mugging for the camera.  But, if you can keep him under control and keep his stupid metal-head shtick to himself, he might actually be a good choice.  He does a good job of being an idiot and the science stuff might be a good piece of meat for Black to chew on in character development.

 

2.  Sarah Silverman:  We all know you are thinking about a chick Ghostbuster.  Don’t pick some no-talent hottie.  Aykroyd, I’m talking to you-  Stay away from Eliza Dushku and Alyssa Milano.  THEY ARE NOT COMEDIENNES.  They are just busty Maxim girls.  Keep your brain out of your pants.  Now, while Ms. Silverman is attractive, she has a serious comic resume to back her up.  She has that doe eyed look and dummy routine that is seriously funny.  She could also speak to Ray’s more aggressive side when he is provoked in a unique and hilarious way-  She could even be written in as Ray’s sister and it would be believable.

 The Egon Spengler Replacement:  Egon is a hard one because he is the ultimate square.  He has no sense of humor (or an inhuman sense of humor that the very best).  I mean this guy had part of a slinky once and he straightened it!

 

 

1.  Rainn Wilson:  You already have tapped Office writers, so why not look to their cast?  This guy is a funny, quirky nerd who would really bring some interesting color to the character.

 

2.  Kevin Smith:  A quiet, understated comedian.  Sounds like a perfect fit for the man with the huge cranium that the chicks dig.

 The Winston Zeddemore Replacement:  Winston needs to be the everyman.  This is a guy who walked into a crazy world only because it had a steady paycheck.  The person who fills this role has to have the street smarts and wit of an everyday New Yorker as well as the ability to be completely out of place in his own city thanks to his newfound job.   

 

1.  Dave Chappelle:  This guy is seriously funny.  Plus as a modern day everyman he would fill the Zeddemore shoes nicely while adding his own welcome flavor to role.

 

2.  Wanda Sykes-  If you have to pick a chick, pick one with some balls.  Wanda Sykes is funny and she has got some serious cahones.

 The Peter Venkman Replacement:  Of course this is going to be the most impossible one to fill.  They are some mighty big shoes.  Venkman is a charlatan, a ball buster, and a loveable loser all wrapped into one.  He’s a fast-talking anti-hero who rises to the challenge because he knows no one else can.  He is the leader of a group who needs him sorely.  But, at the same time, he needs them just as much all though he would never admit it.

 

1.  Robert Downey Jr.:  Let’s face it, the only one who is going to be able to pull something like this off is a great actor.  Not some newbie.  Downey Jr. is probably the most obvious choice since he has made a career on playing these types.  Plus, as Tropic Thunder has proven, he is one funny guy.

 

2.  Billy-Bob Thornton:  I don’t love this guy, but he has definitely got the Venkman qualities.  Perhaps he comes into the film as a disgruntled cab driver who has to help out an overwhelmed set of Ghostbusters and shows he has got the mettle to handle the positron collider?

 

Oscar Barrett:  You got to have Oscar in this movie!  He would be about 20 by now and might make an interesting and valuable addition to the movie.  Part of the difficulty of casting this character will be of course, what sort of man Oscar has grown up to be.  I like to think he is a bit of reflection of his father, the dorky Philharmonic from the first movie.  Plus, he’s got to deal with the fact that his name is Oscar. 

 

1.  Michael Cera:  He already looks like an Oscar.  Would be a great side plot if he learns to be more of a man from his Uncle Peter and somehow contributes to the busters saving the day.

 

2.  Justin Long:  Skilled at playing nerds, but also a bit of a bigger guy, Long could be effective in creating a bit of a more disillusioned Oscar.  Plus, it would be hilarious if somehow it was discovered that Oscar’s real father is Louis Tully and a hilarious side plot could develop from Dana having to explain that to Venkman/Louis and son learning and growing from each other’s presence.  Long is also a seriously funny guy.

 

People who should, in no way, be considered for the roles of the main Ghostbusters:

 

Will Ferrell                                                                  Megan Fox

Any Current Saturday Night Live Member                  Shia LaBeouf

The Wayans Brothers                                                  Any Musician

Maxim Chicks                                                             Eddie Murphy

Mike Myers                                                                 Steve Carrell

Dane Cook

 

And please, for the love of all that is holy, KEEP JUDD APATOW AWAY from this movie!!!

I’m still on the fence about Seth Rogen.  But he did say a 3rd Ghostbusters would be stupid, so I gotta respect that he respects a classic!

 

 

 

     

Hey, I know what you’re going to say.  Yes, I have the flu right now.  But no, it is not the swine flu, so back off, I ain’t going to the doctor.  How do I know?  I just do, all right? 

I think I know my body, OK.  If I had a swine flu I think I would be the first to know it.  I’ve only been sick for, like, a week and a half and I have been totally chugging Robitussin the whole time.  The dizzy spells are becoming less frequent and I can almost keep down solid foods again.  I checked my symptoms on Web MD and it totally said I only had a 46% chance of having swine flu.  That’s less than half, which equals: Impossible.  And Web MD is like the real doctor without any of the hassles or fee hikes those office quacks stick me with.  I am still paying for that one time I broke my leg ten years ago.  Damn insurance company said the break was a “pre-existing condition” so they wouldn’t cover the bill and it cost me fifteen thousand dollars.  How the hell is a broken leg a pre-existing condition?  And how the hell does some plaster and gauze cost fifteen grand???   If you ask me all those medical bastards are all in cahoots.   

Also, I am ultra busy right now.  I have got a pile of papers at work about a mile high and if I don’t get that shit done by Friday, Mitch says it’s going to be my ass.  People think the world of Sales Clerk at Blockbuster is all ice-cream sandwiches and free video rentals but it is serious business and serious business doesn’t take an hour off to go to the doctor.  Plus, if I even went near a doctor for some stupid swine flu and Kelly and Tim got wind of that, they would treat like a god-damned leper for the rest of my life whether I had the thing or not.  I think they finally forgot about that time they caught me in the storeroom waxing the banana to Stop or My Mom Will Shoot so I need to fly below the radar right now.

Lastly, people keep saying to me “Would it kill you to go to the doctor and get checked out?”  Yes, as a matter of fact, it might.  Even if I went to the doctor who could officially tell me I don’t have swine flu, which I don’t, I would be sitting in a waiting room full of people who did have it. That’s like saying “oh, wait, please French kiss me right now” to a freaking vomiting pig.  Who do you SOBs think you are anyways, asking a perfectly innocent person like me to expose myself to some potentially deadly disease?  How would you like it if I asked you to do that, huh?

All you people are so paranoid.  Any time someone gets a little sniffle you cry swine flu and demand they run to the hospital for quarantine.  But I have a life and the last thing I need is someone else shackling me with some burden because of stubborn stupidity.  So you can all quit bugging me about going to the damn doctor.  It will be over all of our dead bodies that you see me anywhere near a hospital.  

-Eugene Crosby