Hey, I know what you’re going to say. Yes, I have the flu right now. But no, it is not the swine flu, so back off, I ain’t going to the doctor. How do I know? I just do, all right?
I think I know my body, OK. If I had a swine flu I think I would be the first to know it. I’ve only been sick for, like, a week and a half and I have been totally chugging Robitussin the whole time. The dizzy spells are becoming less frequent and I can almost keep down solid foods again. I checked my symptoms on Web MD and it totally said I only had a 46% chance of having swine flu. That’s less than half, which equals: Impossible. And Web MD is like the real doctor without any of the hassles or fee hikes those office quacks stick me with. I am still paying for that one time I broke my leg ten years ago. Damn insurance company said the break was a “pre-existing condition” so they wouldn’t cover the bill and it cost me fifteen thousand dollars. How the hell is a broken leg a pre-existing condition? And how the hell does some plaster and gauze cost fifteen grand??? If you ask me all those medical bastards are all in cahoots.
Also, I am ultra busy right now. I have got a pile of papers at work about a mile high and if I don’t get that shit done by Friday, Mitch says it’s going to be my ass. People think the world of Sales Clerk at Blockbuster is all ice-cream sandwiches and free video rentals but it is serious business and serious business doesn’t take an hour off to go to the doctor. Plus, if I even went near a doctor for some stupid swine flu and Kelly and Tim got wind of that, they would treat like a god-damned leper for the rest of my life whether I had the thing or not. I think they finally forgot about that time they caught me in the storeroom waxing the banana to Stop or My Mom Will Shoot so I need to fly below the radar right now.
Lastly, people keep saying to me “Would it kill you to go to the doctor and get checked out?” Yes, as a matter of fact, it might. Even if I went to the doctor who could officially tell me I don’t have swine flu, which I don’t, I would be sitting in a waiting room full of people who did have it. That’s like saying “oh, wait, please French kiss me right now” to a freaking vomiting pig. Who do you SOBs think you are anyways, asking a perfectly innocent person like me to expose myself to some potentially deadly disease? How would you like it if I asked you to do that, huh?
All you people are so paranoid. Any time someone gets a little sniffle you cry swine flu and demand they run to the hospital for quarantine. But I have a life and the last thing I need is someone else shackling me with some burden because of stubborn stupidity. So you can all quit bugging me about going to the damn doctor. It will be over all of our dead bodies that you see me anywhere near a hospital.
-Eugene Crosby
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