Hey babe-
Listen, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think it’s time we settled down and had some kids. I know, I know, kids are a handful and we are young and there are so many things we still want to do with our lives and places we want to go and if we have kids those things will never happen. I know it will throw your body out of whack and you’ll probably gain 100 or so pounds. And I know it will cost a lot of money and we’ll probably be broke for the rest of our lives struggling everyday just to make enough to survive.
But listen, I’ve got a plan. A fail-safe plan. And all you have to do is agree to take a dangerous amount of fertility drugs and have about 10-15 kids in the next two years. Hear me out.
America has lost its conscience. I don’t know when it happened. It might have been when Brett Michaels had those women prove their love to him by ripping apart the other team’s fake “baby Brett” in a Roller Derby. It might have been when they premiered Little Big World. It might have been when America decided that women of worth should be having litters. I don’t know. But, whenever it happened, it’s clear that now the getting is good.
All we have to do is have the kids and get one of those soulless television producers to agree to film the trials and tribulations of our family life. That’s where the big bucks roll in. This will solve our money problems forever!
I know you don’t want to have to take care of kids, which is why this plan is perfect. We can simply make the studio foot the bill for “additional” care while you and I are cruising around the world like we always dreamed. London, Paris, Amsterdam. Everybody knows these shows aren’t about the parents,’ they’re about the kids. We’ll just have to film a few scenes here and there about how this is “so overwhelming” and we stage a few fights about how the family is “falling apart” and bang, we’re done for the year and on our way to Tahiti. It’ll take ten minutes tops.
And don’t worry about keeping your bikini body for those hot nights in Costa Rica, either. We’ll make sure to use a good chunk of the money to have the finest plastic surgeons money can buy rebuild you into one smoking hot tamale before we leave. Your body will be the envy of every woman from a reality television show on the beach. Or hey, with modern science the way it is, maybe they can just be test tube babies that we can grow in a lab. Attack of the clones, anyone?
Listen, this plan is rock solid. All we have to do is have absolutely no conscience or consideration for the well being of the children we would bring into this world. Sure they’ll grow up maladjusted and will require years of therapy just to retain some semblance of a normal life, but hey, if you think about it, basically they wouldn’t really even be ours. They’d be more like, uh, studio property so I say let the studio worry about it. Who knows? Maybe the kids will be screwed up enough to land a reality show of their own!
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of having to work day in and day out and never get anywhere. I want to be rich and famous and the envy of all. And I think it’s pretty clear that the way to do it is to have an unhealthy amount of children and then throw them to the reality TV wolves while we reap the benefit of a baby’s inability to protest.
Come on sweets, we can live our dreams. And all we have to do is sacrifice 15 innocent babies to do it.
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