The Velvet Penguin

With all the hype for Hollywood’s most recent golden child, Slumdog Millionaire, I began to wonder if this film could be as great as everyone claimed it was.  After it cleaned up at the Oscars this year I decided I should march like a lemming to the movie theater and check it out for myself. 

Now, in a fashion true to, well myself, after having seen this piece of cinema history I feel it is only fair that I compare it to another great, if less well-known film, 1988’s Bloodsport starring Jean Claude Van Damme (JCVD). 

Below I compare each film based on the Oscars Slumdog was awarded.  Who will win?  Let’s find out!

 

#1  Sound Mixing

Using an endless supply of different sounds and songs, Slumdog sound mixers Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke, and Resul Pookutty (among others) wove together a soundscape that immersed our ears in the tragedy and triumph of the plight of the slumdog.  Who knew combining the sounds of an eyeball being scorched with a boy vomiting could be so heart wrenching?

Unfortunately, in this category, Bloodsport’s George Weiss had little to work with.  As much credit as I give him for the ability to successfully layer numerous punches and kicks, Bolo Yueng’s “You are next” line placed in a vacuum of sound made me realize just how much coaching this guy needed to say 3 words in English.

 

Verdict:  SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

 

#2 and #3  Score and Song

Since both of these films have songs that are very closely related to their scores, I have combined these two awards.

While Slumdog’s mixing is superb, there is no way they can cover up the Europopesque garbage that is A.R. Rahman’s “Jai Ho.”  After seeing an uplifting story such as Slumdog, the last thing I want to be reminded of is a sweaty Indian man wearing too many gold chains and reeking of Old Spice grinding up against some slut with only a thin layer of polyester and spandex separating them.

Bloodsport’s music combo Paul Hertzog (lyrics and music) and long time JCVD collaborator, Stan Bush (singer), do well to capture the essence of Frank Dux’s mind.  Unfortunately, while less painful on my ears, I am instead pained by the realization that, like every song in the movie, Frank Dux’s mind is kind of singularly focused.

 

Verdict:  TIE

 

#4  Cinematography

Anthony Dod Martin does well in capturing the sights and colors of India’s slumdog wasteland.  His blending of light and image highlights the paradoxes between India’s visual beauty and it’s harsh living realities.

Bloodsport’s David Worth manages to do a similarly good job with the rugged streets of Hong Kong though with much less variety or technical inspiration.

 

Verdict:  SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

 

#5  Editing

Both films’ editors can be accused of chop-socky cuts to highlight the ever evolving, fast-paced nature of their film’s respective worlds.  However, it is clear that Slumdog’s Chris Dickens chooses this technique in order to make things seem a little “cooler” than they might be.  This candy coats the dark realities of the film and makes it seem like a really fun amusement park, which I think is in direct conflict with the goals of the film. 

Bloodsport’s Carl Kress (with help from JCVD himself) on the other hand uses this style for a much richer and apropos purpose- to expertly chronicle ass kicking.  Also, Kress should be commended for his excellent cutting of the “Alone in Hong Kong/Chong Li is Watching” scene.

 

Verdict:  BLOODSPORT

 

#6 Writing

Now you can definitely accuse both of these films writers of suffering from an inability to create any sort of suspense or surprise whatsoever.  Both films clearly have a protagonist who will win the game and get the girl.  Slumdog says at the end “It is written” but perhaps a more appropriate phrase would have been “It has been written before.”  That being said, the premise, sans outcome, of each of these films is where the winner of this match-up lies.  Slumdog revolves around a game of “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” run by a megalomaniacal, Regis Philbin-esque, announcer played by Anil Kapoor.  But let’s be honest, that show was annoying when it was an actual show and it’s nature as a foil for its protagonist basically creates a slightly grittier version of Forest Gump.  Bloodsport on the other hand has a sublime villain in Bolo Yueng’s Chong Li and the Kumite is an exciting and much more serious arena in terms of a compelling backdrop.

 

Verdict:  BLOODSPORT

 

#7  Directing

  The best way to start to measure these film’s directors is by looking at their past work.  For Slumdog’s Danny Boyle you’ve got favorites like Trainspotting, A Life Less Ordinary, and 28 Days Later.  Bloodsport’s Newt Arnold is a little less impressive with Bloodthirst and Hands of A Stranger.  Seemingly, you would think Boyle would win this category hands down.  However, if you look at the additional films Arnold has collaborated on, he becomes a much worthier contender with films like The Jerk, 16 Candles, DC Cab, Bladerunner, TMNT II:  The Secret of the Ooze, and The Goonies.  With a resume like this it is easy to see why, in fact, Arnold trumps Boyle.  Both directors chose to make a movie that combines comedy, action, and drama into one heartfelt piece.  Boyle’s resume quite obviously shows his work is good with somber, grey comedy and drama, but is completely void of strong ties to action or light comedy.  This grey cloud is present in Slumdog and does unnecessarily weigh down it’s lighter moments.  Bloodsport, in contrast, easily navigates between comedy, drama, and action, sometimes blending all three together in perfect harmony (see Frank Dux’s Chase through Hong Kong for a perfect example).

 

Verdict:  BLOODSPORT

 

#8  Picture

The only thing left to talk about is the movie on a whole, since I have already focused on most of the other things necessary to make a successful movie (since Slumdog managed to win Oscars for all of them), is the films’ actors.  Examining this final piece of the puzzle will allow me to declare a winner in this too-close-to-call match up.

Looking at the lead actors it is clear we will not find our winner there. Slumdog’s Dev Patel and Bloodsport’s JCVD, while both contributing an award winning amount of heart and passion to their roles, both suffer from the same blank, vacant expression throughout both films that makes you wonder if they were hit in the head with a mallet before filming (to be fair to JCVD, he probably was hit in the head a lot during Bloodsport).

So, the winner clearly lies in the supporting cast.  And, not surprisingly, this is where Bloodsport shines brightest.  While Slumdog has amassed a number of precocious youths, Bloodsport boasts countless world warriors, each with his own distinct fighting style and personality.  From the fearsome Muay Thai kickboxer, Paco, to the lovable Monkeyman, you watch in anticipation wondering where each fighter’s destiny lies.  Aside from great fighters, Bloodsport enlisted the highly talented, Oscar winning, Forest Whitaker as the green, hot-under-the-collar, Detective Rawlins.  Finally, when looking at the female counterparts of each movie it is clear that while newly crowned Hollywood hottie, Frieda Pinto, soundly trounces Bloodsport’s Leah Ayers in the looks department, Pinto’s Latika has as much gusto as a wet noodle.  Ayre’s Janice Kent in contrast is vivacious, spunky and, with a-wink-and-a- nod, is willing to do anything to get her story.

 

Verdict:  BLOODSPORT

 

 

WINNER:  BLOODSPORT

In the end, it’s easy to see why Bloodsport is a far superior film.  What it lacks in post-production pizzazz it more than makes up for with a gripping story, memorable characters, and an unforgettable climactic battle.  Bravo JCVD and the cast and crew of Bloodsport!  

New Herald Tribune          March 7, 2009                    Article by Eric Aramis

 

Scientists report today that Americans no longer need fear the ongoing recession, unemployment, global warfare, rising healthcare, or the housing crisis.  “This new discovery makes all those problems look like a day at the beach,” warned Dr. Vic Hartford.

In what they are claiming is a freak discovery, scientists learned over the weekend that apparently Americans could die at any time for any reason.  “This is some scary shit,” said Hartford.  “I mean you could just be walking down the street and, bam, it’s all over.”

News reports from all over America about this terrifying find have got Americans in an uproar.  Local Walmarts and Targets are scrambling to keep shelves stocks with supplies in case of a sudden attack of death.  A few despondent Americans, fearing the chance of dying at any point was too much to bear, have resorted to suicide,

“The country is afraid, and rightly so,” says Senator John McCain (R-Arizona), who blames the new administration for failing to address this problem sooner.  “The White House needs to spend less time focusing on it’s ‘personal agendas (McCain emphasized his point by making those quotation mark signs with his fingers)’ and focus more on keeping people from dying all together.  Americans deserve the piece of mind that their government is insuring that they will live forever.”

Meanwhile, the White House has assured the American people that it is doing everything in its power to find a way to stop people from dying.  President Obama has already drafted a 385 billion-kajillion dollar plan which is expected to make its way into Congress next week.  However, conservatives speculate it will fail quickly based on previous proposals from the new administration.

“This is exactly what happens when a liberal is in the white house,” says 14-year-old Republican superstar, Johnathan Krohn.  “I’m sure it’s filled with unnecessary earmarks dedicated to private interests and puts the Government in charge of Americans’ lives.  When are they going to learn that the American people don’t want the Government taking over their lives?  The American government was founded with the sole purpose of taking over the lives of people in other countries,” said Krohn waving his hands about wildly. 

No matter what happens in the future, it is clear that right now America panicking from the stranglehold of this seemingly unstoppable threat.  “What have we ever done to anybody to deserve this?” asks local merchant, Kevin Porkman.  “With this economy the way it is, I’m already only eating out twice a week now instead of four times.  And now I have to worry about dying, too? Haven’t I suffered enough?”

Perhaps.  But with no end in sight and the death toll from unpredicted deaths growing every day it’s clear that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Porkman’s sentiments?  “I’ll bet the Chinese are behind this.”  

Dear American Public-

There has been a lot of talk in the media lately about “exotic” animals attacking people and I feel that these isolated incidents are giving myself as well as fellow pet owners a bad rap. People say that wild animals should be kept in the wild and that dedicated pet owners shouldn’t be allowed to keep such a pet.  I think this is ridiculous. 

I myself own a sweet, cuddly, Bolivian Mountain Lion named Elmer and you would not believe the looks and comments I have been receiving lately when I take Elmer out lately.  I mean people act as if they’ve never seen a 196-pound cat on a leash before.

People have been complaining that because Elmer is a wild animal that means he is unpredictable.  Well, I’m here to tell you dummies that I did my research.  You have to before you bring a Mountain Lion into a third-floor studio apartment.  Here’s a reality check for you negative-nancies.  Mountain Lions never attack unprovoked.  No animal does.  The only reason a wild animal could POSSIBLY attack is if they are in mating season, they are hungry, they decide that they need a new place to live, they are afraid of you, they think you are afraid of them, they think you want to take away their mate or children, they are protecting their territory, they are thirsty, or they are sport hunting.  But that’s it!  It’s not rocket science people! 

The fact is, people, that mountain lions, like all wild animals, if properly domesticated, are as harmless as a loaded gun with the safety on.  How do I know this?  Well, first of all, it’s because I have a bond with my Elmer that allows us to communicate telepathically.  I know what he needs and in turn, he knows what I expect of him.  This bond is common amongst pet owners.  For example, haven’t you ever noticed that some Peruvian tree marmots instinctively growl or lunge at mailmen, while others don’t?  Why do they do this, you might ask.  It must be some instinctual thing that humans can’t possibly understand, you say?  Well, you’re an idiot.  The answer is as plain as the horn on the South African rhino that lives across the street’s face.  A particular marmot who attacks a mailman does so because he knows that his owner is deathly afraid of cable television bills or flyers offering some sort of veiled pornographic services.  His screeching and clawing is his way of telling the mailman: “Stop!  We don’t need anymore advertisements for full body Swedish massages!”  The owner doesn’t need to TELL the marmot this.  Like a child who SENSES something is wrong when his mother comes downstairs with a black eye, these creatures take the next logical step and do their best to protect their loved ones.  And some people want this sweet marmot to be put back into its natural habitat?  If you ask me, this monkey should get a medal, that mailman deserved rabies, and that lazy, do-nothing, kid who just lets his mom get beaten should be thrown in the jungle!

The bottom line is, Elmer, like all exotic pets owned by people understand us better than any human ever could.  I know.  I have dated off and on for the past 42 years and every man I have met doesn’t give me one-tenth the respect I get from Elmer.  Elmer is my (cat) knight in shining armor who will protect me from all the possible dangers that he believes I may be about to face from anybody, at any time, anywhere.  He knows me better than I know myself, which is why I never question his decision to mercilessly attack my invisible enemies.    

Let me ask you this.  If your husband decided to kill your best friend and then told you he did so because he KNEW you were in danger, would you call him crazy?  That’s what I thought.

 

Sincerely,

Shirley Broward

    So you’re wondering why America is considered a ridiculous country by the rest of the world and you want to know what kind of monsters would rather blow themselves to smithereens rather than be in a society like America.  Now, I’m not for suicide bombers, I think that’s crazy, but here’s a few stories in the news to make you think…

Bush Vetoed Health-Care Bill

Why?  Well mainly because it would require that cigarettes be taxed 61 cents more per pack, inevitably raising the price of cigarettes AND would allow four person families making $61,000 yearly to get the health care break-  the argument is that most families in America make that or below so the health-care would become too close to socialized health-care.

   Now, I’m no math wizard, but I know I make a little more than 1/2 of that a year and I’m freaking broke.  So I don’t see how a family of four can live on $61,000 in the first place.  Now, I know what you’re going to say wise righty- "Well Alex, if you didn’t spend all your money on Bill Blass shoes for your grass-roots fund-raisers and Michael Moore movies you’d have the money to pay your bills."  Well, news flash, I don’t ever go to the movies because I can’t afford it and I haven’t bought a new piece of clothing in months.  All my money goes to car payments and college loan repayments and my sky-high, non-rent-controlled apartment and the 160 dollars a month you fat-cat oil tycoons charge for gasoline so I can get to work to make the pittance I require to give right back to you (usually before I even earn it).  I DON’T have a mortgage and I DON’T have 2 kids requiring constant care during this flu season so I can’t even begin to fathom how the argument that a family of four making $61,000 a year should be paying for their health insurance makes any sense in the first place.  Essentially what is being said is Bush would rather keep it cheaper to kill yourself than cure yourself.  Way to go braniac.

Suing Santa Monica OK

Yesterday it was decided that victims of the 2003 tragedy in which an elderly man lost control of his vehicle and plowed into numerous people at the Santa Monica Farmer’s Market can now sue the City of Santa Monica for damages.

    I’m all for people paying for their mistakes but c’mon.  Lawyer Gregory Moreno is quoted as saying: "This was an accident waiting to happen."  So basically, Mr. Moreno, what your saying is that now the city should be held responsible for crazy old guys who happen to be passing through the neighborhood and can’t see a million people right in front of them?  Why stop there?  I mean if the city should be responsible for completely random acts of violence which no one could ever predict, why not represent victims of earthquakes under the assumption that cities should be able to predict those too?  And where is that money going to come from Mr. Moreno?  How about all the citizens and victims of the tragedy who live in Santa Monica?  Did you get your law degree out of a cracker-jack box?  Don’t you know that when you sue a city the taxpayers of that city pay for it?  And those suing: I know a terrible tragedy has befallen you, of which you will never recover.  But suing your friends and neighbors is not the answer.  You may think you are attacking a city, but who is that city comprised of?

Judge Removes Britney Spears Visitation Rights

    Today Judge Scott Gordon revoked all visitation rights for Britney Spears.  Britney has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse and perhaps has not been a model citizen when it comes to raising her kids.

     Why stand up for Britney Spears?  I mean she’s kind of a wreck and she clearly likes to party.  I mean what 20 something in their right mind would want to do that?  Oh wait, all of them…  Now the fact that she does have a responsibility to her children does complicate things and I am all for demanding she live up to those responsibilities.  However, Judge Gordon, don’t you think you’re going too far?  Drug and alcohol tests once a week?  Having a monitor present when she visits the children?  Judge Gordon, have you ever been a parent?  My guess is no because if you were you would know that an occasional drink now and again does not make you an unfit parent and constant monitoring doesn’t make for quality family time.  And I’m pretty sure tearing children away from their mother permanently because she smokes too many cigarettes and has made a few young mistakes is going to damage them far worse than being around that.  Did you get your law degree from E-Entertainment?  C’mon, these kids are already going to be totally screwed up because of the ridiculous life they were born into, do you really need to make it worse?  If you had half a brain in that judicious melon of yours you would clearly see that there are greater emotional issues that are at the root of this troubled mouseketeer and instead of making a pointless national example of her (of which all the gun-toting, beer-swilling, negligent parents everywhere could care less about save it’s interesting to read about in People magazine) try and help the poor girl.  She’s had a Mickey Mouse childhood and a smothering show-biz mom.  Of course she’s going to be fucked up and desperately looking to reclaim some lost experiences of freedom- she’s never had it.  But maybe, with a little guidance from a wise old man of the court, she could experience those wonderful things along with her kids and maybe, just maybe, Hollywood wouldn’t have to deal with another screwed up show-biz kid from a broken home.

   America: Maybe the reason greed, callousness, and corruption is synonymous with outsider’s thoughts about America is because, far too often, America is consumed by greed, callousness, and corruption…   In the immortal words of one of America’s greatest actresses (you voted to give the Oscar Hollywood, not me):  "Snap out of it!"

     So, if you’re like me, you spent the last 2 minutes of the Sopranos on edge and were left only to wonder if your TiVO somehow cut off the resolution of the final episode last night.  Once you found out that that was, indeed, the end, you felt somewhat confused…

   Now, it is a day later and I have been thinking about this series finale quite a bit.  Many are disappointed, but me, I have decided it is exactly the ending which the Sopranos needed.  Mainly, in my opinion, because of David Chase’s expert ability to crystallize these characters we have followed in each, respective, final tableaux.  I begin:

Paulie:  As Tony and Paulie have their final meeting in the episode, Paulie expounds on his superstitions and his disgust over a small orange cat Tony has taken a shine to.  In the end, though, Paulie buckles under the weight of Tony and concedes to take over a business his gut tells him will get him killed.  As Tony leaves the cat appears and sits right next to a perturbed Paulie.  In this moment we see the life Paulie is trapped by:  he will always be forced to endure that which he detests only because he doesn’t have the personal strength to rise above it.

Junior:  He doesn’t even remember who he was or what his relationship is with Tony.  He is left alone in the cheap prison Tony has decided he should remain.  In a few words:  clueless and unhappy, convinced everyone is out to get him.

Silvio:  Shot up and in the hospital he sits silently (though, he is unconscious) as Tony holds his hand.  A true encapsulation of the kind of man Silvio has been and the kind of man he will continue to be.  Quiet, there for Tony when he is needed but, overall, staying out of it. 

The Soprano Family:  As the final moments occur, they come together haphazardly.  AJ is happy again, but we wonder: for how long?  Carmela sits with her standard and forced content demeanor. Meadow frustratedly tries to fit into a parking space (perhaps a simple metaphor for "fitting in" in general). 

Tony:  Our anti-hero looks about and we are filled with dread that he may, at any moment, be destroyed by one of the many people who keep entering the restaurant.  But this is not Tony’s destiny and in the last second as Meadow races to the door and we see Tony hear the jingle of the door to the restaurant, yet don’t see who enters, cut to black, we can realize exactly what is in store for Tony.  What Tony sees at that door is irrelevant because it is what we understand must be going through Tony’s mind that holds the key to Tony’s true nature.  What we know in that moment is that Tony is crystallized as one who never knows who will come through a door to meet him- it may be friend, it may be a foe.  What makes this even worse is, in the life Tony has, a friend may be a foe and vice-versa.  Tony will forever be a man who is plagued by this reality. 

   So back to my initial point about the empty feeling you may have had when watching this final few seconds.  I believe that is exactly the point.  The life these characters lead is in a limbo of emptiness.  We have shared their moments of happiness and we have shared their moments of pain but, in the end, whether we like it or not, each of these characters is trapped in an empty place from which they will never escape.   

   If I have but one complaint about the final moments it is the music choice.  I think "Don’t Stop Believing" is a bit cliche and though we get it- though these characters are trapped they still hope for something better- the music, for me, sort of hit me a little too hard over the head and didn’t match the void of the scene it accompanied.

Hello there-

     Now I know, I know, we all want to make a movie.  But who has the time?  With all the publicity and tanning and a sheer lack of talent it’s becoming more and more difficult these days to churn out something the American public is going to want to see.  So, in an effort to heal this wound, I have created a few fool-proof recipes for creating the ultimate movie.  Bon apetit!

The Sports Cocktail

     Nothing says box-office draw like a sumptuous sports tale.  You will need:

-1 down on his luck coach who has, because of past events, allowed his incredible coaching skills to lie dormant-  If you cannot find this coach, a coach who is incredibly sure of himself will do in a pinch- especially if the coach is a woman.

-9-12 unlikely team players.  They should all hate each other, but each have a talent which makes them stand out.  The talent should, preferably, have little to do with the sport they play.  This will allow them to ferment into a well-rounded individual.

-1 coach and team which is labeled the best at whatever sport it is that is being played.  This team must be unspeakably evil enough to be noticed, yet generic enough that we don’t get attached to any of them.

-1 wisecracking sports announcer.

-1 naysayer who is constantly making things difficult for the unlikely team.

-A stadium full of fans who, for some reason, pay attention to the crappy team the movie is chronicling.

-A dash of inspirational rock music.

-A liberal helping of gratuitous slow motion plays.

-A romantic interest.  Preferably for the coach of the rag-tag team.

-A sport

     Most people think that the sport is the most important part of this dish but, actually, the sport is the least important.  It can be something as popular as football- but it can just as is easily be something as lame as swimming!

Summer-time Blockbuster Surprise

      This dish and summer are synonymous.

-1 crappy director who seems to consistently get work

-1-25 well known actors.

-A cocky black guy.  Preferably on his way home to see his wife and kids before the disaster strikes.

-1 unnecessary suicide/sacrifice made for the good of the journey.

-A heaping tablespoon of puns.

-1 wisecracking sidekick.

-Between 1 and 3 precocious children who, through their naivete, seem to know a little more about life than they should.

-A menace which basically encapsulates whatever everyone seems to be afraid of at that moment in time.

-200 million pounds of explosives.

    People always ask me "Why is this recipe called Summer-time Blockbuster surprise?  What’s the surprise?"  and I always answer "well, that depends."  It’s a surprise that this crap keeps getting made for one AND if you pay money to see it, the surprise is even greater!

Oscar Bisque

     A sure fire way to taste an Oscar!

-1 male handicapped person OR 1 extremely attractive female made up to look extremely ugly.

-An Inspirational journey- usually set to Peter Gabriel music.

-1 wisecracking friend.

-Acting really hard- the more the better!

-3 gallons of tears.

     I have never heard a complaint about this one!  It’s a sure fire crowd pleaser!

     So, all over the US, schools are devising new ways to instruct the youth of America.  The problem being, or so they say, that drop outs have increased of late citing the reason that school is just too boring.

     I thought about this and I have come to a conclusion.  Of course kids will say it’s boring!  And they will always say this no matter what the changes the school system makes.  The fact of the matter is no class is ever going to be able to compete with the new Playstation game or some good old fashioned beach-time.  School is equated with a lack of fun because math and science are, to most people, not just children, boring.  Plus, they all revolve around work- and why work when the beach is free?

     I don’t think trying to make school more "fun" is going to solve and problems because kids who aren’t interested in biology, will never be interested in biology.  Of course, I think it is invaluable for teachers to work hard to show students why they love the topic they have chosen to educate people on- this is probably one of the only ways children will ever know how important a chosen profession can be. 

    However, it is equally as important for parents to get off their ass and stop allowing their children to be taught by MTV and the WB.  Modern American TV is full of glorified negative images as well as imagery projected at the speed of light.  Why read Tom Sawyer when it can be shown to you in 1/10th the time in a TV show?  Parents need to restrict television viewing and instill the value that nothing good ever comes of waiting around for something good to happen.  You must work hard if you are going to get anywhere.  Not only that, but encourage children to explore different kinds of careers AND if you, the parent, are unhappy with your lot in life because you have a job you hate, inspire your children to seek a job they enjoy so they don’t end up like you.

     America is a place full of lazy people who feel entitled to just about anything this world has to offer.  I am not against people having things, but I say if you want everything you better damn well be ready to work your ass off to get it.  It’s true that work can be fun, but it’s not going to be fun all the time- anyone who strives for that end is an idiot.  If you’re lucky you can have a job that you enjoy doing enough that the work doesn’t seem so bad.  And any parent who blames a school for causing their child to drop out on the basis that the school wasn’t interesting enough should take a look in the mirror. 

     Wake up America!  There’s no such thing as a free ride.  Stop thinking you deserve things and start earning them.  You are correct in assuming you have the right to an good education.  But the idea that you have the right to an "entertaining" education?  There’s a reason why teachers work at schools and clowns work under a giant pinstriped tent.   

Dear Would-Be Presidents-

    I was very dismayed yesterday when I read that now Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are beginning smear campaigns against each other in their respective bids for the White House.  Everyone seems to be concerned about the lack of voter turnout in this country, but no one has equated this way of conducting business with the reason no one in this country votes or cares about who’s running.

    As a young voter let me tell you that nothing disconnects me more from politics than two politicians spending their time pointing out the other’s faults instead of getting to the issues which they believe are detrimental to the growth and prosperity of the country they wish to govern.  Let’s face it, it is one thing to call some one out if they personally slaughtered an Orphanage full of babies.  But let’s be honest- when was the last time a political candidate was that crooked?  The fact of the matter is, every politician is not going to be telling the entire truth because they have to appeal to a large amount of people if they want to win.  So, instead of saying they are "for" abortion, they instead say something like "I am seeking a path which will satisfy those parties invested in this highly sensitive issue."  This is not necessarily a lie, per say, until their snarky competition turns it into one by telling everyone "hey, this person is anti-whatever and they’ve been lying to you."  The race then becomes a war of he-said she-said and the reason to vote for either candidate becomes less and less clear.  Oh, and the rebuttal that your opposition should "stick to the issues" doesn’t mean anything if you are just saying it to criticize their way of conducting business- in this way you are no better than them!

     This current vicious cycle has two consequences.  The first is it suggests that no one can ever tell the real truth because the truth in a presidential race is the same as a coffin.  By keeping their true feelings about hot button issues to themselves, the candidate is allowed some wiggle room in case the political tide turns on them in one way or another.  Second, it creates an atmosphere which disenchants those involved in voting because when everyone is accusing everyone of lying, a voter will just assume everyone is a liar and not vote for anyone.

     So here are my suggestions:

First, stop the smear campaigns.  I think a pledge to do this will allow for a lot more honesty.  From this point, people can decide whether or not the REAL values of a candidate are in line with their own. 

Second, if you really love this country and you want to see it prosper, then you will support your fellow Americans running because you are both striving for the same thing.  If they have a good idea, don’t disagree with it to make yourself stand out, say "hey, I agree completely or, hey this is a good idea, but I would like to address it in this way which I believe will be more effective."  I think people will be far more inclined to trust you if you are willing to admit those around you are capable of having good ideas-  after all, we do want a President, especially now, who will listen to the voices of the billions of other people who live in this democracy.

Third, stop basing your platform on the bi-partisan system’s respective collective, generic, identities.  For too long people have labeled Republicans as bastards and democrats as tree-huggers.  The fact of the matter is both parties have diverse thinking individuals who are committed to doing what they think is best for the country they love.  They should be allowed to think independently of some hard and fast rules invented by historical stereotyping without being labeled as some independent weirdo.

Lastly, stop letting religion dictate how your platform is compiled.  There is a reason church and state are separated- this is because the democratic Government is expressly interested in the prosperity of all of it’s citizens in LIFE, whereas religion is expressly concerned with those IN it’s religion and the AFTERLIFE.  This is not to say that religion’s aims don’t, at certain points, parallel the government’s.  So, at most, let Religion inform your campaign rather than dictate it because the values of all religions are founded on a basic compassion for humanity, which I am sure you can agree with. But don’t say you are anti-abortion just because you are a Republican and you fear the wrath of the majority of conservative Christians.  Jesus was a man who was accepting of everyone and profoundly believed a man could make a difference when he was called upon.  Some Christians seem to have forgotten that somewhere along the line.

I know, I know.  You’re going to say "that’s easy for you to say" and you will accuse me of being a malcontent who is incapable of seeing that this is the way the system works so I want to live outside it.  This is not the case though. I am not suggesting we obliterate the system, merely re-tune it.  I am doing my part and suggesting that a change should be made- now, as the people who represent the people, I believe it is your job to take an active part in re-imagining how politicians interact with each other.  You are the only ones who have the power to do it.  As American citizens we are all terrified of being led astray and, perhaps, this is the reason why the system works the way it does.  But when everyone is mud-slinging, then it ultimately becomes a decision of who is going to lead us astray the least.  This mentality, I believe, is cultivating an America characterized by suspicion and causing countries around the world to be equally infected by this particular brand of poison. 

     You want to be the President?  It is the President’s job to inspire the people to better themselves and those around them AND lead by example.  What you are currently teaching is "trust no one" and I am pretty sure this is not your intention.  Take that first step.  You were brave enough to do it when you were a kid, and look at you now.  You’re walking around everyday like it was nothing at all.

Yo-

   Awhile back Marty wrote a sketch about two fast talking Porno salesmen trying to get their stuffy boss to agree to make a new porno movie with shit in it.  It was called "Porno Pitch."  At one point in the sketch one of the guys pulls out a sign listing other shit-filled porno movies and their monetary success to stregthen the salesmens’ case.  It had all kinds of great titles including:

The Lion Shits in the Wardrobe

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Shit

Rumour Has It…There’s Shit in this Movie

  I had been thinking about these hilarious titles last night with Louise and we came up with a few new ones which I think are pretty darn hilarious:

Shitting Poppins

Big Shit in Little China

Shitless in Seattle

You’ve Got Shit

MiShit Impossible

What Shit May Come

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

   Pretty funny!  If you think of a good one- let me know.  I’m always up for a cheap laugh!

Everyone:

   It almost killed me, but I got it.  Behold!  Brandy’s True Form!